So fast.

It's hard to believe that a person can go from healthy to sick so quickly. It's times like these when I hate my life and all I have to deal with. To be healthy would be too much to ask, but a little break from sickness would be nice. What else can I do when I've tried it all? I can say that I'm lucky this year because I made it through both Christmas and the most amazing wedding ever, but in reality, I feel that right now, I am not lucky at all. There's no reason whatsoever that I should have to go through what I go through while others are free to be as healthy as they please. I dream of waking up one day and taking a deep breath that doesn't hurt. Some days, I feel like I would rather just not breathe in order to take the irritation away. Of course, I know that this is impossible because everything that I do is to keep me breathing.

Of course I have been worse before, but that doesn't make this sick any less sick than the sick before it. To not be able to breathe right all of the time would eat away at anybody, and to some, it would be too much to take. I am strong, I know this, but there is a difference between understanding what needs to be done and accepting what needs to be done. Sometimes I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, like now for instance. I've been fighting off something for a little while now and oral antibiotics and upping my medications didn't necessarily help. I was put on steroids which screw up my sugars to no end, but made me feel better. If I could stay on steroids without the side effects to my sugar and the weight gain, I probably would, but I can't because they really are harmful. The only other choice I have is IV antibiotics. This would be OK if I wasn't dealing with other things in my life.

School is coming back up on the fifth. It's going to be a much tougher term, mostly because I don't want to be involved in any part of it. I understand that I may need to miss a week or two because of IV antibiotics, but I don't want to accept the fact that, once again, I will be ridiculously behind. It seems that every time I get ahead, I have to fall back. While I will be healthier after IVs, I will have twice as much work to do to stress me out and get me sick again. I don't want to deal with that, as much as I know I have to.

The amount of pressure and stress put on me when I'm sick is insane. It's always my call, and sometimes I just don't know how to call it. If I could just have a past history of all of my signs and symptoms and what I did for each time, life would be easier, but it's rarely ever the same. I teeter on the fence not knowing if I should take time out of my life now and miss things, or take more than I can truly spare out of my life later and maybe miss things too. For every time I hold out thinking I may get better and end up getting worse, that's more time I ultimately make up for it. I don't know what others would do if they were in my situation, but I just want to live my life like a normal person. I want my biggest worries to be about boys and friends, not about how fast I'm going to get sick, when it's going to happen again, and most importantly, how it is affecting everyone else.

I hate living my life constantly fearing the next time I will get sick, the next time my parents will have to miss work, the next time I get a medical bill, or the worst, the next time my lung function will drop. To live life in constant fear is not easy, and it's even harder when I'm trying the be that "strong person" I am. I know that if I didn't deal with this, I wouldn't be the person I am today. But at the same time, I just want it to stop so I never have to deal with it. I want to be able to celebrate New Years this year with my friends. I want to be able to go into my last second term ever feeling on top of the world. I want to be completely healthy and normal for once in my life.

I hate writing posts like this because I know I'm better than this, but at times I just feel as though I have to really write how I feel or it will scrape away at me forever until I let it out. Just imagine having to be the one to tell your doctor when you think you are sick enough. Now that I am growing up, the choices and options I have are truly slimming. Soon I will have a career, one that is absolutely dreadful for my health, but one I couldn't live without. How will I afford my drugs to stay healthy when they are so specific, there is no generic alternative? When will I draw the line and stop taking care of my patients to become one? How long will I be able to do what I love before my disease gets the best of me? I know I am an adult, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a kid trying to handle too many obstacles at once. This is one of those times.

But... I know that tomorrow, I will handle it and I will deal with it. It's never a good time to be sick and when you are sick a majority of the time, good times don't come as often as you'd like them to. This is just one of those days where I completely feel the unfairness of life, and it's just proving a bit harder to deal with. Let's just hope tomorrow brings better news and a better time.

Congratulations!

Too tired to really write a lot, but I just want to say congratulations to Nikki and JP! The wedding was beautiful and so comfortable! It was like a normal family get together, plus a little bit more happy tears and an extra band. Altogether, I had an awesome time and I was so happy to see the family. Nothing makes me happier than family.

Love you guys!

My realization.

I feel like writing about what my mom and dad have already heard plenty about: My interview at Arnot. I went into my interview at Arnot feeling pretty confident. I had no reason not to be. It all went well up until they reviewed my application. With my first and only job in the work/study program at school, I had to quit because I was getting too sick with both my freshman year homework and schooling and having a job as well. In the space asking for my reason for leaving my job, I put illness. I thought it was general enough and no one would question it. After all, it was just a work/study position at school with a maximum of eight hours a week.

I was wrong. One of the nurses interviewing me asked what exactly happened, and I felt that it would be alright to tell her I had Cystic Fibrosis. She had guessed I had something because of how much I was coughing, but I didn't feel like mentioning it unless I had to. Regardless, she asked me about how my attendance was in my work/study job. I said that I called in when I was far too exhausted and sick to go in. She seemed to take it alright, but near the end of the interview, she turned the tables on me a little bit and mentioned their attendance policy. She was not telling me about it in a nice way. I felt as though I was being targeted for having an illness that would force me to miss work from time to time. Apparently, after three times of calling in to work sick, some board would have to meet up to decide the person's fate. I had no intention of telling her that I wouldn't be calling in for sick "days", but rather "weeks". The way she talked to me, and the way she stared me down, it made me feel as though she wanted me to promise her that I would never get sick more than three times. She nearly had me tearing up because she made me feel so low about myself.

You may not be able to picture what her words did to me, but if you were in the position I was in, and had someone talking to you the way she did, you would probably get to thinking a little bit too much and start to question yourself too. I didn't get upset by the fact that she was badgering me, I got upset because it made me question how useful I was actually ever going to be when I get into the nursing field. If I catch a cold, I'm out. If I catch the flu, I'm out. If I catch pneumonia, I'm out. If I get too exhausted and too overtired, I'm out. How can I be useful at all if I can never be there? It's times like these I wish I could just be normal like everyone else. After talking to my parents, I realize that there is honestly no reason I shouldn't be looked into for a position. I'm near the top of my class, I'm a pleasant person, I treat all patients like they matter, I understand first hand what many go through both physically and emotionally, and it is the only career I can ever see myself doing. I deserve to have any position I want and think I can handle. I deserve it, no matter what they think.

The one main reason I wanted to work at Arnot was because it is so close to home. Also, it isn't the Guthrie. I don't really trust the Guthrie. They haven't been so good to me or others in the past. Not to mention, the pay rate is less. Currently Geisinger is my number one choice. I really like the facility. The staff members are friendly, and if I got a job, I could go straight into pediatrics which is what I would truly want to do. It's only about two hours from home, the houses and apartments in the surrounding area are cheap, and they give you a pretty nice chunk of change to help you with anything you need it to help you with, which for me would be moving. I go back this coming Tuesday to finish up my interview process. I had to cancel this week because of the winter weather advisory, which was stupid because the weather was not that bad.

But anyways, regarding the whole attendance issue, I know it will be alright. I will miss time from work. There will be days when I feel too ill to go. In the end though, I know that I am passionate enough to do all that I can. That's all about that issue.

Another issue I've been having lately is how much I see my sister. When she isn't at work, she is rarely home. Currently, even though the roads are pretty bad, she has left the house to go see her boyfriend. I figured for one day and one night, she could just be home if I wanted to hang out with her. Apparently that becomes impossible every time she has a boyfriend. For example, just the other night we sat down to watch The Office together. It was even planned. We sat down, I walked out of the room to get something, and when I came back, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. Within the next fifteen minutes, she was asking if it was alright if she went to Ben's instead. Before leaving, she asked, "Do you promise you won't stay mad if I go to Ben's?" I obviously couldn't stay mad, but at the same time I thought 'If you know I'm upset, then why are you putting your new plans with your boyfriend before your plans with me'? Maybe I need to get a boyfriend so I can understand why they are so much more important.

Last of all, I feel like I may be getting sick. This isn't the time to be like this, but I can't help that. I've had crackles and wheezing and a lot of difficulty breathing, just like I did last Christmas. I think I may give it a day or two and if I feel like it's getting progressively worse, I'll talk to my doctor and ask what to do. My antibiotic doesn't seem to be helping, but I don't know if it's anything to worry about. If I do something about it, it's going to have to be pretty soon. I can't afford to be getting better when school is starting back up.

I just feel crummy. Worrying is by far the worst thing in the world.

Oh, Geisinger.

I need my Cipro. My lungs feel yucky tonight. Just sayin'.

I had an interview today at Geisinger and I really like the facility. I will be going back soon enough for a second interview and I hope that I appeal to all the other nurses that work there on the peds floor because if they don't like me, I probably won't get any sort of position. I bought a cute outfit and I looked snazzy. That's always nice. Plus, it doubles as a wedding outfit! Hoo ha! This is going to be short because I'm beat, but I have to also mention that there is a Playstation, DVD player, and VCR in every single room. Maybe I should have spent my childhood at Geisinger? Maybe when I was little, they might have had old school Nintendos in all of the rooms. Oh, I only wish.

P.S. I won't need prior training to go into a specialty because Geisinger is in PA. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do any IV's if I get a job there. That makes me so upset.

Why Elmira College is the most ridiculous college ever.

I was just thinking about why my choice of college for the past 3 years was not exactly the best choice. I was thinking about living on campus, and I'm so glad I didn't do so. But here is a list of reasons why Elmira College is the most ridiculous college ever.

1) We get little to no renovations in the actual buildings where we learn, really only in the dorms. I pay over $33,000 a year to go here, and those who live on campus pay over $43,000. I want my money's worth.

2) The only contribution made to the nursing department is wireless access. Let me remind those who don't know, that maybe one or two people total use the wireless access they are so graciously spending their money on.

3) All of our school activities that are free, really aren't. If you don't go to every single school function, dinner, or ceremony that you are invited to, you aren't getting your money's worth.

4) I can not say enough times that Elmira College is nearly 80% women. Where does this leave me if I want to find a decent boyfriend with a big nose and good brain?

5) Most of the girl population either drinks themselves into oblivion every night, or offers to sleep with the whole hockey team. 'Nough said.

6) The president of the college gets to take lavish trips with our money, and gets reimbursed for way too much. When you are choosing to only dine at the finest restaurants and stay at the finest hotels, you should at least know how to spell the destination you are going to. It's Chile, not "Chili".

7) Can I say "freshman year was the worst thing in my whole entire life combined, even with all of my hospital stays put together"? Freshman writing courses were pointless. We were forced to write 150+ pages of material in our first year alone. 60 hours of community service on top of this was required, as well as going to 8 encore performances (at least) and Saturday classes at 8 A.M. Sheesh.

8) No air conditioning in the building that I do most of my classes in. Not cool, literally.

9) Clinicals in Bath, NY. No transportation is provided by the school for nursing majors, but hey, the sports teams get buses. How about we try to have them drive and waste their own gas money to get to their games.

10) No changes are ever made to truly benefit the students. No one listens to concerns or does anything to change it really, and that is very bothersome.

That concludes my list of why Elmira College is the most ridiculous college ever.

Here's what I actually like about it:

1) I get quality education and the school wasn't rated too badly.

2) I've met some pretty decent friends.

3) Most of my teachers are fantastic! (Missy, Denise, Marybeth... just to name a few). Not so much "the other one" who I shall not name.

4) I get to live at home and not die of the flu or the cold every other week.

And that's it. A good education with good people is the only reason Elmira has continued to be my school. But I sure am glad that break is here, and another is soon to come.

DC!!!

In case some didn't know, I spent Thursday night through Sunday afternoon in Washington, DC. It was a trip planned for the nursing club to basically see if any of us were interested in doing nursing in the army. I found it to be an absolutely amazing trip overall. Of course, when you are in the same room with three girls for about four days, you can get at each other's throats, but every one of us only snapped about one time a piece. I think I did well holding my composure in the midst of things. It's hard to take someone serious when they complain all the time. All I have to say is that one day, you will have an actual reason to complain, and I probably won't believe you.

Anywho! What did I do? Well, the first night there was solely unpacking a bit and sleeping. From Wednesday night to Friday morning, I got a total of six hours of sleep, so I was ridiculously tired. Friday morning we went to Walter Reed Hospital. This is a military hospital with a lot of important people, apparently. We didn't get to see any of these important people. We didn't even get to see any of the non-important people. The whole tour of the facility consisted of a history lesson. We visited Eisenhower's conference room in the hospital as well as his hospital room, and that part was a little bit cool, but the rest didn't keep my attention one bit. We had a couple of the military nurses talk to us in a conference room, but because of my whole six hours of sleep, I nodded off repeatedly. Even my nursing instructor said that if she sat down, she would have probably fallen asleep because she was so tired too. She chose to stand instead. I didn't really find it educational or too informative. I asked about doing army nursing if you have any medical problems. The reply I got was quite funny. I'm definitely paraphrasing here: "It depends on the issue at hand. For most medical problems, you can get a waiver. They are usually pretty understanding. For example, one time I had a kidney stone, and I got a waiver to keep working." Hahaha.

Anyways, after that we went and took a trip over to the Pentagon. I must say, it is not as amazing as I thought it would be. It's only cool from an aerial view. We were supposed to get a tour, but the security was upped and apparently a form hadn't been filled out, which was one of the most important parts. Needless to say, we didn't get to see the Pentagon. I wish I could have at least run into President-Elect Obama while in Washington. Disappointment number three right there. That night we went to the mall for a while to get food, and the day was done.

Saturday we went to the national mall. For any of those who thought the national mall was the biggest mall in America, as I did at first, you are incorrect. I don't know why it is called the national mall, but it refers to the really impressive part of DC that contains the museums, the Washington monument, the Capitol building, the Lincoln Memorial, and I think the White House. So, I went to the Aerospace museum first and got some freeze-dried ice cream that the astronauts eat. It was interesting, but I don't think it would be my number one choice of dessert as an astronaut.

Next I went to the Holocaust museum. It was really interesting, but it took far too long to get through, about two to three hours, and there was too much reading to really enjoy it. Also with that museum, there was only one path you could take, and it was really crowded. The last museum we went to was the Natural History museum. I loved this museum. I got to see dinosaurs and every animal you could imagine. It was also the first time I had ever seen a beaver up close, and it became my new favorite animal, for sure. I also saw the Hope Diamond. It was really pretty, but I hate jewelry so it didn't impress me that much. That was really it for the Natural History museum.

Before we got into the third museum, we saw a line of protesters walking through the middle of everything from the Capitol building to the Washington monument. They were protesting against Proposition 8, which I agree with, so I found it fantastic to watch. I had never seen so many people and police for the same cause and it was truly a highlight of my trip. I say no to Proposition 8 and you should too... even if I don't live in California.

I got to see the Washington Monument up close too. It truly was spectacular. I swear that no one took in the beauty of Washington as much as I did. I appreciated every single aspect of it. It was beyond gorgeous. Everyone in the group I was with had already been to DC before and seen all the sites, so when I showed how impressed I was with all of it, they just shot me down. I don't think that seeing Washington once, or even twice, is enough to thoroughly enjoy it. Too bad they only wanted to see it all once.

That night we ate at a local mall again and went to bed. The next day it took a long time to get going, but once we did, we went to the zoo. It was a lot of fun. I loved the monkeys the most. The hippo was great too. I went straight for the beavers, but only one was out and he was too far away to get a decent picture. I'd like one as a pet if anyone ever was wondering what they could get me for any random occasion. After the zoo, we came back to the college. That ride seemed really short for seven hours. It seemed more like two because I fell into a really hard snoring sleep for a good portion of it. Our driver was pretty bad and veered off the road a couple times. He never went below about 80 miles per hour in the ROTC "rapist" van, as we liked to call it. I was afraid for my life, as was everyone else. Thank goodness I don't ever have to ride with him again.

That's really all. I had a good time and got to see things I had never seen before. I would definitely do it again in a heartbeat, as long as it was with my family instead of friends. I think it would be funner and much more appreciated. Anyways, it's time for my bed. Lungs are starting to hate me for the night so I need to get my meds done.

This is interesting.

I found this really interesting because it made me think a little bit when my dad asked me to read it. According to the bible, the earth is 6,000 or so years old. According to scientists, it is billions of years old. Regardless of who is "right", there is no arguing that this body was found before the earth existed.

Archaeologists discover world's oldest shaman grave in Israel

Washington, Nov 5 : Archaeologists have unearthed what is believed to be the world's oldest known grave of a shaman in northern Israel, which includes an elderly female of the mysterious Natufian culture, animal parts, and a human foot.


According to a report in National Geographic News, the grave dates back to 12,000 years, and is unique in its construction, contents and arrangement.

"From the standpoint of the status of the grave and its contents, no Natufian burial like this one has ever been found," lead archaeologist Leore Grosman said. "This indicates the woman had a distinct societal position," he added.

The Hilazon Tachtit site-9 miles (14 kilometers) inland from Israel's Mediterranean coastline-is associated with the Natufian culture, which flourished in the eastern Mediterranean between 11,500 and 15,000 years ago.

Though hundreds of Natufian graves have been excavated in Israel, Jordan, Syria, and Lebanon, only the one uncovered by Grosman contains a woman believed to have been a shaman.

The term "shaman" originated in Siberia, but these magic-invoking priest-doctors are common in cultures around the globe.

The 1.5-meter-tall (nearly 5-foot-tall), 45-year-old woman was relatively old for her time. After her death, she was placed in a mud-plastered and rock-lined pit in a cave and was buried beneath a large stone slab.

She was not buried with everyday items and tools, as hunters, warriors, or political leaders were.

Instead, her grave contained 50 arranged turtle shells and parts of wild pigs, eagles, cows, leopards, martens, and a human foot, among other artifacts.

According to Grosman, a professor at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem, during this period, Natufian culture changed from a nomadic, hunting-and-gathering culture to a sedentary, agriculture-based lifestyle.

"The artifacts found in the woman's grave shed light on some of the specifics of Natufian rituals from this period," said Grosman.

For example, the turtles appear to have been eaten as part of the burial ceremony. Their shells were then placed around the deceased woman.

Pig bones were cracked open and their marrow was removed before the bones were placed beneath the woman's hand.

The grave was closed with the slab perhaps to prevent damage caused by animals.

According to Harvard University anthropologist Ofer Bar-Yosef, the shaman grave is a rare find.

"Finding a shaman's burial is like finding Napolean's grave," he said. "I've spent many years digging other Natufian sites, and I've found a bunch of graves, but I've never found anything like this," he said.

"The shaman's grave and its contents finally give another view into a society that didn't leave behind a written record. It's almost equivalent to a textual record," he added.

--- ANI

Voldemort can't stop Barack!!!

Hey. Did ya hear?

OBAMA FOR THE VICTORY!!!!!

Something to get excited over!

The newest Harry Potter trailer!!!

Another video.

It kinda pokes fun at everyone, but I thought it was hilarious.

JibJab - Time for Some Campaignin

Always thinking.

Here are some thoughts running through my mind. Pretty much all not related at all.

1) I don't like you very much.

2) It's probably not going to work out.

3) I miss you so much it's not even funny.

4) I don't know what I should do for Christmas because of... reasons.

5) Saw V is probably not going to be that great, I just want to spend time with you.

6) You are the most immature person I have ever known.

7) Deny me healthcare in the future, McCain. I know some people agree with you.

8) Harry Potter honestly has the best quotes for life. Jo is brilliant.

9) I'm so mad at you Warner Brothers.

10) I've had a headache all day, but I feel better overall. Go figure.


And now, I'm off to the movies. Just thought I would say all of that.

Dear Mr. President...

I unfortunately was too late to register to vote this year, though I had 100% intentions to do so. I am really getting into politics lately because I'm finally realizing how much they pertain to my life and what is going to ultimately happen in my future. I personally am voting for Obama because we don't need another president with bad ideas that is going to run us into the ground like Bush did. Here is a video someone made directed toward Bush. The song is Dear Mr. President by Pink.

I'm starting to love politics.

This is so funny. Tina Fey is amazing at imitating Failin' Palin.
Even if you don't support Obama, watch this. Love it!

Updateroo.

Justin and Ashley finally had their baby! Her name is Ella Winter and she is absolutely precious! I went to visit her Saturday night and she was the most quiet baby I had ever seen, but apparently not so quiet when you want to sleep. Congratulations guys! You'll be wonderful parents! I figured that everyone had heard about this happening, but for those who didn't, now you do!

I got to spend the end of my day and my night with Jamie, too. It's always nice to spend time with your family, and to me, Jamie is more like a best friend than anything else. We had a great time. We always seem to get ourselves way more excited than necessary over things that we want to do. Haha. We went to KFC, Blockbuster, and Tops, and had nothing but fun. There's always fun when Jamie is around, regardless if you are doing something or just talking. We had a pretty good talk about life too, and it felt nice to relate to her in another way, though I won't say exactly how. She is just amazing when you are really just up to seeing family.

I suppose I should update about school and clinicals and health as well! I woke up today with a definite cold. I guess this means I can't visit Ella until it's gone, but she will be here for a while still! ;-) So I slept all day today and relaxed. Although my lungs still feel like there is a bog inside them and I still have a fever, my throat feels completely better. That definitely could have been caused by sleeping with my fan on, which I love to do because the noise puts me to sleep. Clinical has been going pretty well! I work in the pediatric clinic every Friday and I have a blast. All I do is take vitals and give immunizations (which I love) but I have the best time of my life. This last Friday, there was a patient who had to get 5 different shots. She was about 4 years old I believe (not my patient), and dad wanted us to do all 5 at the same time. That's exactly what happened. Five nurses went in equipped with one needle a piece. We held her down with the help of dad and got it done in less than 5 seconds. I personally think it worked better that way because usually we do two at a time (one nurse for each leg) and then the other two. If we would have done that, we would have had to stick her 3 separate times, and after the first stick, the kid knows what's coming and doesn't thoroughly enjoy it.

School itself is going great. I've got 100's in my classes so far based on quizzes and tests and I feel as though I have little to no homework. This is a good thing in case I get too sick. I decided this year that if I get hospital sick, I will actually go into the hospital instead of waiting. Last school year I waited and as a consequence lost nearly 15% of my lung function in the process. I gained some of it back but it still took a toll on my body. It definitely taught me not to wait it out too long if I think I'm getting sick. Anyways, it's late, I don't feel fantastic, and I need some more sleep aside from the nearly 14 hours I've gotten since last night.

Finally...

I was invited to a party on campus. This never happens. I don't feel well enough to go. This is typical, but I'm so sick of it.
I don't want to be sick anymore.

Happy birthday to meeee.

So today has been an amazing day already, one of the most intense birthdays I've had so far. I got a guitar near the end of August, which was more than enough. My mom and dad also got me an amp to go with it. That's fantastic. I better get pretty good at this. My sister got me some things from Bath and Body works that are supposed to help me sleep, because I have difficulty getting to bed, and a Macy's gift card. So today we are going to go shopping for a bit, which is a change from the norm because I have been a poor child this month. Haha. I'm taking up little jobs here and there to earn some more money because I hate to ask my parents for it, though they are beyond willing to give it. If anyone knows of a family who might need a babysitter on the weekend, mention me. I'm qualified! Well anyways, have a fantastic day and thanks to all who sent me birthday wishes!

Pleeeaaassseeeee.

Hey hey! Whattaya say? I want a Mountain Day!

I really want a mountain day tomorrow so I can take off 2 of my classes that I dislike so severely. I would still have to go to epidemiology, but I'm OK with that as long as I can get away from a horrid teacher of mine for one day!

For those who don't know, Mountain Day is the college's day to cancel classes(except night classes, and clinicals too... boo), and bring fun and festivities to the campus instead, which I have never gone too. We earn this by going to the president's house every night within a certain week (this week) and singing school songs. Technically, I don't go, I just reap the rewards. Everyone had better sing pretty darn loud. I'm not wasting my gas to sing to someone I have difficulty dealing with. I realize I have difficulty dealing with quite a few people at college! Some personalities just don't mesh, and after seeing the inner workings of the college, you would be a bit bamboozled with certain people as well. Especially when they are using the money you pay for schooling to send the president on trips to, as he referred to it, "Chili". How can you go somewhere you can't even spell? I ask myself to this day. Haha. Fannntastic.

Because I'm not the only one.

So I was truly realizing today that I am not the only one with problems worth talking about. A while back, when my friend Carla was going through a really rough time (she has CF as well), I told her to just suck it up. Stop complaining. Don't blame everything wrong in your life on one incident or the fact that you have a chronic disease. Everyone with CF dies. She was no different. I felt like she wasn't emotionally stable, and I also thought, if I was able to handle it, why wasn't she?

Well I am very willing to eat my words. Given the circumstances she has been going through, I honestly think I had no right to think the way I did. I've had a long time to think about it and talk to my parents about it, and I've realized my opinions and thoughts aren't the only opinions and thoughts out there. While I only deal with my CF, Diabetes, Asthma, occasional acid reflux, and occasional arthritis, Carla is dealing with far more. As far as I know, Carla is dealing with CF, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, Depression, PTSD, some newly acquired pain that puts her in agony every time she goes to move, and she just recently had sinus surgery because her sinuses were so full. Wowza. That's a true handful of problems. Of course there is definitely someone out there that has it worse, but I've realized that at the same time, there are a lot of people out there that have it so much better.

My most bitter dispute with Carla was about her emotional and mental problems. I never understood how someone could go through life constantly down when there is so much to look up to. It really became heated when I blamed her psychiatrist dad for enabling her mental illness. I knew at the time that I had taken it too far. I apologized soon after that for doubting everything she was going through, and especially that comment.

So you may be asking, what is the point of this little entry?

I just felt I should mention it because at times I feel like I am the only one suffering and it makes me so angry and so upset. But then I think about how bad I could have it, and it makes me happy that I am dealing with so little. This past summer into now, I have not felt myself. I have been fatigued and generally sick. I have not, however, been so sick I couldn't do things. I have been very down in the dumps and have changed my view on depression. I do believe it exists. But I personally think I am able to handle it without the help of medications and with my family being a constant positive influence. That is just me. Just because I know that it is a possibility with myself, it is not always a possibility for others. As my little blip of information to the side says, my views and opinions are constantly changing. If I am given a reason to change my opinions, than I definitely will.

I will not, however, change my opinion that Obama is far better than McCain. =]

Ultimately, Carla, I want to give you a high five for dealing with all you do. You are fantastic for forgiving my not so forgiving words, and perhaps you saw that I had gone a little mental myself at that point in my life. Haha.

So everyone who reads this, remember that it is alright to be a little down sometimes, because it's a given that someone out there has it better than you. But at the same time, live every day in the most positive way that you can, because you know that someone always has it worse than you, too.

I hope.

I hope I don't whine and ask for attention as much as some other people do. Just wanted to make this statement, because gosh is it irritating when certain people with no problems do so!

I can't hold grudges.

My friend and I are alright now. We talked and I explained the way I felt about the whole situation, and we are alright. End of story.

Week #2. And a tidbit.

I got through my second week of school unscathed. I have yet to do homework, but I know it will all come at once. I feel like this term will be fun though because I have amazing clinical instructors. AMAZING. I wish I could say the same for everything else in life! Lately I've been realizing how antisocial I am, and how I like it that way. I've been forcing myself to be with the people I like because I know how unhealthy it would be to do otherwise. I thought some of my friends had moved on from me, and officially, I got proof tonight. One of my old best friends in the whole entire world wrote the following thing in an away message on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger for those who are unaware):

I never thought I would meet people that were more amazing than the friends I had in high school. Wow did you prove me wrong. Everyone from the past seems so worthless now.

Wow, that seems a little harsh. I'm glad my one time best friend now thinks everyone she used to know is worthless. By now, you (old friend) have to realize why people may be drifting away from you. I have never seen anything so rudely and forwardly stated. If you WANT to lose every friend you have ever made, this is one way to do it. Even if you don't miss someone or care about them anymore, that doesn't give you the right to say they are worthless. I never knew this was how she felt until tonight, and I am not happy. Someone definitely just lost a friend, for good.

One week down, too many more to go!

So I have gone through one week back at school so far. My last first week back ever! I have classes on Tuesday-Friday only. The earliest my classes start is 9AM. I get to sleep in a lot, and truly have a lot of free time. Of course, soon I will be filling this "free time" with papers, projects, and care plans. I'm taking my nursing classes in the areas of family, where I will be going to Joint Camp at Robert Packer, and pediatrics, which I can't wait for! I don't know exactly what RPH will have to offer along the lines of pediatrics. I hope it is interesting, regardless! I'm also in a class called Epidemiology. It seems extremely interesting, and it's only once a week, but I'm very excited for what it has to offer. Last of my classes includes Complementary Health Therapies. That class is crazy and I don't believe in a lot of it, so it may be difficult to get through.

Also, within the first week of school, I went to a foam dance party. I went for the first time last year, and I loved it. So this year I went and saw two of my friends I rarely get to see. My friend Ashley was accepted to Elmira College this year, and I'm glad she's here! Also, as some may have seen earlier, my friend Megan is also going to Elmira College. She is the one with Cystic Fibrosis as well. I hugged her the other night when I saw her, and it was almost as exciting as meeting a celebrity. It sounds strange, but it is the closest I've ever been to another Cystic! I have a feeling we will see each other a lot and get to hang out, yes hang out, a lot this year! How exciting!

Now for the less exciting news. It's been one week back, and I had to ask for chest pt tonight. For anyone who doesn't know, this is a method of clearance where someone beats you repeatedly on your back, sides, and sometimes front to make the mucus in your lungs move. But this is not a good sign. It means that the mucus in my lungs feels thick enough that I am not able to clear it on my own. I'm not sure if it is an infection or if I'm just having a bad couple of days! It worries me a bit, but it doesn't matter. Regardless, I have to get through school and no matter how sick I may get, I don't have the choice of missing a day. I'll just keep pushing through, and getting a lot of rest! Just a quick update, but now I must go do more treatments and possibly more chest pt. I hope this goes away!

My new favorite song.

I love the lyrics of this song. Just thought I'd post it!

I feel better now.

It really doesn't take much. Thanks for talking, Steph. <3 I miss you!

Can't sleep.

It's almost 5 am and I have been tossing and turning all night, unable to get some sleep. I don't have anything to be losing sleep over. The past week has been alright aside from the fact that my dad's surgery was cancelled. Luckily he's going in on his birthday (Yee haw, right?) to get his leg fixed. As for me, I feel like there is something going on with me lately. I'll have great days, but then some days things just won't seem to go right, no matter how hard I want them to. I don't really know what I'm talking about, because I can't pinpoint what the heck is wrong with me. I will feel really down about myself and then get really upset about it for no reason. I'm not eating healthy, and I'll eat anything bad that I can get my hands on. I don't know of any situation that should be sparking any of this. I just need to forget about it and buck up. Sorry, just needed to get this off my shoulders, whatever this may be.

Today feels good.

Simply that! Today feels like it is going to be a good day despite the fact that I have to maneuver a shower into my life with my port accessed. Always tricky. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Oh, and I really need to clean my room. It looks like disaster struck. Just thought I'd mention that today feels good. Even if I don't necessarily feel good, today does.

Holy load of letdowns.

This week has had a lot of letdowns for me! Let's discuss.

First of all, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, that was supposed to be coming out in theaters in November, was pushed back to July 17th of 2009. This is not because the film isn't done, it is solely for revenue purposes. I hate Warner Brothers. Don't they realize that Harry Potter is my sanity when school gets out of line?

Secondly, my med supply company sent me the wrong length needles for my portacath. What does this mean? They don't fit. What does that mean? I just got stuck 4 different times before I realized there was no way the needle was going to work. Currently my nurse has run back to the place she is sent from to get the right size needle to come back and stick me again. Great! I really hope it works, or it will be yet another letdown. (If it doesn't work with a longer needle, there is a possibility my port is clotted. Fabulous!)

Thirdly, recall that blog I told you to read about Pepe and her struggles with CF and her lung transplant? It was false. I found out through a fellow CFer, Carla, after reading her blog. Pepe (Gina is her name) did not have a lung transplant. She does not, in fact, even have CF. She fooled everyone around her, and that is why her blog is no longer available. Not only that, she can be held accountable for fraud. If you read her blog, you will know that many people responded to a donation back before Christmas of last year to get a Wii for Gina to help her time before the "supposed" transplant go by. Time went by, and so did many people's money. Some of it was donated to a CF cause I believe, but the other money was not. I don't understand how someone can be so sick as to play on a serious problem and be able to make up a sob story so willingly. There were SO many people backing her up, many with CF, and all were let down.

Let me tell you a bit about the real Gina. She doesn't have CF. She rides horses, and probably breaks their backs doing so. If she would have put a picture of herself up on her blog site as opposed to a completely oblivious friend of hers, you would have realized instantly that she did not have CF, if you know what I mean. She is messed up in the head. She brings me to believe that mental illness has to be real if someone is so messed up as to create such an intense tale without actually experiencing the pain and heartbreak that goes along with it.

Just, holy cow. On the up side, though, last night was an amazing night of singing and relaxing around the bonfire with family and friends. So many guitars going at once! A bit hard to follow, but fun nonetheless. I have to say that my cousin Justin is one of the most talented people I know. Mike, keep up on your guitar. You can play insane things, and I am absolutely awestruck by you as well! Jamie, even when you don't try, you are beautiful. Go out and get a job as a model already. Jade, your voice is like a songbird, and it was so good to actually have you up to sing with the family for a whole night. As for everyone else, you all did great as backup singers and guitar players and bass players. I have very musically talented friends and family, and I'm so lucky for every last one of you. It was great seeing you Uncle Mark, Aunt Elaine, Mike, and Tyler! Hope your trip home is a safe one and I hope you had a good stay up here on Mormon Lake. Everyone last night is the reason my life is so worth living, and I want to thank you all!

I'm so glad...

I'm so glad that it takes me posting on here for others to see how good their lives really are. Always remember that there is someone who has it worse. Also remember to focus on the good in life instead of the bad. It will make you feel better about what you can and have accomplished, and you won't think of the negativity quite as often.

Also thought I'd say:

Thanks to my mom for putting up with the crap dished out at work every day, and then still coming home to feed us.

Thanks to my dad for never complaining about your ailments. I see how strong you are and it makes me bite my lip at times, and we all need to do that on occasion.

Thanks to my sister for always viewing me as a normal person, no matter what's happening in my life.

And thanks to everyone who reads and supports me. I really do have amazing friends and family, and a great life to back it up. I love you guys, once again!

CF isn't your free ticket to complain 24/7.

As one person with CF, I understand what someone else with CF goes through. I may not be as bad off as them, but I know others with CF that have it far worse. Don't tell me you are too exhausted and weak to take a shower when my friend who is so close to going on the transplant list can still rock climb on occasion. Oh, and she can still shower with no breath left in her. Don't complain when you don't have it that bad.

Also, don't blame your failing friendships and relationships on people not being able to accept your disease. It's you. You complain when someone doesn't help you move into the hospital. You complain when friends don't visit you. You complain about this and that and even that one thing I never thought it was possible to complain about. People can accept your disease. They can not, however, accept your constant complaining and tendency to be so overdramatic about everything in the world. Suck it up for once in your life and realize that allergies are not the end of the world. You aren't the only one that suffers, and at times I think people without CF suffer FAR worse than you do.

I am so irritated. But today was an awesome day with the family. Love you guys!

Different points of view.

I'm not sure why I decided to write this entry. It just struck me as interesting.
I am in a group online that helps me deal with my CF. Everyone in the group is like a personal friend that I have never met, but am so lucky to know. We really like to have fun regarding our CF, but sometimes we hit a serious note. In the next few entries, you will catch a glimpse of how some of us feel regarding our daily struggle, and the support systems we use to help us through it. No names will be given, not that anyone would really know them.

"It's not that I'm necessarily afraid of death. What I hate is what you leave behind. All the loved ones and stuff... I'm very sappy in that aspect. I don't want to die before my parents... I don't want to leave my husband behind ... things like that get me sad."

"I must be weak.. but I don't think I am. I feel bad that my parents have to fork out everything they earn to keep me 'healthy'. I feel bad that my parents have to worry about my health. But I don't think it's fair that I keep all the stress and worries I have to myself. I share everything with my parents and especially to my boyfriend. I mean I didn't choose to have the disease so why should I be the only one that has to bear the burden?"

"I definitely feel guilt about how CF affects the other people in my life! I want it to just be MY disease. I can deal with the s***, but I hate it when the people around me are affected. BUT in reality, it affects people only because they care about us. And they think we are worth it. And probably don't care that it is affecting them, they probably just want you to feel better!"

"I'm pretty nervous about death, but really I am desensitized on other big issues and take an "o-well nothing I can do" attitude. The one thing I get a lot is guilt for what I put other people through. I feel really bad for making my parents have to go to the hospital on Easter, or stuff like that. In fact a lot of times while at school even if I am sick I will tell my family I'm fine just because I don't want them to worry and there is nothing they can do anyway."

"Any time something really bad happens, I'll basically say the same thing: "What're you going to do? S*** happens. Move along." Because of that (and I hate to admit this), I also have less patience for people who dwell on stupid issues. On the contrary, I find myself much more empathetic towards people who have it worse off than me than a normal person would.. P.S. Death isn't much of an issue to me. I mean, everyone has to go through it, y'know? In fact, it's the theme of my next tattoo. It's going to end up translating to 'once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.'"

"Death is still a very sad and real thing to me."

"...Second of all, I never want to die. I love life far too much. If I die, I want to die before everyone else though, because I don't want to experience being left without someone I love. Slightly hypocritical. Whatever. Third of all, I would rather take on the pain, agony, and suffering of EVERYONE who cares about me and what I go through. This is my burden. I deal with it really well, and I don't feel as though others should have to go through that because I know it makes me stronger. Also, if they don't deal with it, they don't have to deal with the emotional pain that accompanies it. Let everyone else live their lives toil free! Some aren't as strong as I consider myself to be."

I'm not sure what exactly made me do this post, but I hope you guys can see the different issues on our minds. And because I'm not worried about my name being attached to one of these quotes, the last one is my point of view. For anyone who was curious what I think about life and death, now you know. It's an issue everyone deals with, but when you go through life the way I have, it makes you see things a little bit differently. I know that the little things in life make me completely happy. It's not the holiday that matters, missing your birthday, Easter, Christmas, the Fourth of July, it's who is there to share it with you, and hopefully without worries, though you can never ask that of someone who loves you unconditionally.

I'm hoping this will ease tension or fears among anyone who has ever worried about me. There's no point in worrying! I would take on a world of worry to give someone else happiness, at least for a day. And even with worry and stress in my life, I remain a genuinely happy person, because I have nothing in my life that is worth getting down about!

In the very far away future.

I have mentioned before that I wasn't sure about ever getting a lung transplant. The following link is a blog regarding a CF patient who is CURRENTLY undergoing her lung transplant:

http://friendsofpepe.blogspot.com/

She is not doing well at all, and reading it makes me worry that any of the things that happen to her could easily happen to me. I never believed it would be quite as intense as it has been for her.

On the upside, I had an appointment on Monday, and my lungs have improved a little bit! Going from 62% at discharge to 70% now! That's pretty huge for about a month worth of being out of the hospital. It's showing me just how important it is to pay attention to all aspects of my health because they all affect each other so dramatically. I have been tweaking my insulin regimen to better fit my eating habits. I take a mix of insulin in the morning to last for the day, and if I know I am only eating something small for dinner I take my instant acting insulin. Doing this ensures my blood sugar wont plummet during the night while I'm sleeping. That could be bad.

Summer has been good so far. I've been hanging with friends from time to time and doing more than I thought I could. I still feel tired and run down, but since my PFT's say I'm feeling better, I'm curious as to why I still feel this way. Some days I want to be out and about with friends, and others I just want to say no. Being run down can be very frustrating at times, and there are some days I wish I didn't have to deal with my disease, regardless of how strong it makes me. Anyways, I haven't been having as much trouble sleeping as I did after I got out of the hospital, and that reminds me: It's time for bed.

Road construction.

I just have to mention briefly how happy I am that they paved the CENTER of the highway. Good thing my car can still be engulfed by potholes on the actual part of the highway where I drive.

Because I hear you!

Some have said that they can't get the player to work, so here is an alternative:


http://kSolo.MySpace.com/tonib4509

That is the link that will bring you to the same thing as the player will.

Enjoy!

Everyone needs some entertainment.

Here is the link for all of the songs I sing. Keep in mind all of these little songs are karaoke and first or second tries, so they are bound to be a little bit off. Haha. I am ridiculous.

My blog.

This is my blog. I write it for others. Why should I have to moderate it for others and delete posts that tell people about myself and what's really going on in my life? I will not delete another post again. Sorry, moment of anger.

Sunburn!

Today was great! I got out in the open fresh air! I got to swim! I got to see my family! I got a sunburn! Oh, how sweet life is.

Home, sweet home.

So as you all may know by now, I am home! Finally. Three weeks in the hospital wasn't so bad when I look back on it. I still have 2 months and almost 2 weeks of summer left to go! Now we'll see if I really have that much left to go. I have a doctor appointment with my orthopedic doctor, Dr. Cohen, in July. At this appointment, I will tell him about how awesome my arm is not feeling, and perhaps there could be a removal of a plate from my bone. That means surgery! Oh dear. But I'm sure that it won't be half as bad as getting the plate put in. We'll see what he says. I was told by him that if my arm still hurt a year after, than taking out a plate may be a possibility. Also, taking out the plate may improve my range of motion in my wrist. I currently can't turn it over without a severe amount of pain. This makes taking change very tricky.

Aside from the arm, I feel just O.K. Not amazing, as I wish I did. Being back outside and able to be free has left me vulnerable to allergens. Just tonight I was outside for a little bit and in the public to go to the mall. While watching a movie, I started to have the same troubles breathing as I did prior to going into the hospital. From this I concluded one thing: There's no hope. Haha. All around me there are particles sparking my allergies. Allergies spark my asthma. Asthma sparks my CF. CF sparks... oh you get the picture. It's just no good. So far, after one day being home, it's taken a lot to get used to doing my meds and pills and checking my blood sugar the way I should, but I'm doing it so far. One of my nurses, Stephanie, told me I better keep it up for her. She was an amazing person. So kind and generous. She viewed me as a person, not as just another patient. She was refreshing, and I do plan to keep up everything for her, and for me of course. But overall I aim to please others in most cases.

I was talking to my best friend Jen tonight, and we got talking about a boy that I passed in the hospital who was going for a lung transplant. She asked me if it ever got that bad if I would do it. I personally am not so sure I would like to, but if anyone that I truly cared about wanted me to, I would do it for them. If my disease ever progressed that much, there wouldn't be much of a life for me to live, and I'm not sure I'd want to prolong something like that. If someone I cared about wanted me to attempt to take new lungs, I would only do it for their sake. Jen thinks I'm crazy. I think I am just trying to help everyone around me cope a little bit better. I try to be strong for those who can't be. I try not to cry for those who can't take it. I talk about good when others can only see and feel the grief and anger regarding the disease I am fighting. But ultimately, as Dumbledore says, "We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, Harry, but battle on."

Adios, computer!

I've just gotten news that my computer is being confiscated! For another patient of course. I get out tomorrow, and I won't be writing as often because I will finally be able to live my summer the way I would like to. Rather than writing to pass the time, I will be able to be with friends and family after three weeks of treatment. I felt the treatment didn't do much. Once I'm home, I think I'll feel better.

Talkin' to the man.

Dr. Schidlow! There's a reason he is as successful as he is. He is so incredibly smart and I trust his opinions more than anyone I know when it comes to doctors. He has been with my for my whole life. I asked him to take time out of his day today to come visit me, and he almost sounded happy to hear from me. He was up within the hour, and we talked. I voiced my concerns about the condition I am in possibly being my "new healthy". He said that it is a possibility, but in all actuality, it is too soon to tell. He said that because I had let myself go so badly and for so long, it will take a longer time for my body to stabilize, and after it does that, then the treatments will kick in.

He is always very good at explaining things in a way that I can understand. I feel that with a nursing background, I see the seriousness of things when they are explained more in depth. Regardless, he eased my mind and made me feel a lot better about the situation. It is a possibility that this steady lower lung function might just be due to how out of control my diabetes was.

So last night I was not able to sleep due to too much caffeine. Yes, shame on me. To pass the time that I couldn't sleep, I read my medical chart. When I told my social worker this fact today, she looked at me like I had three heads. She really likes to take action against every single thing I say and do, so I thought there would be consequences. Of course there is not because it is my personal information. She is the same woman that banned my friend from coming last time. I told her my friend Will had CF and was coming to visit like he had done before. She then proceeded to tell me that if he showed up, he would be escorted out by security. It's almost as if she cares about everything a little too much. Such as reading my chart. Maybe I would read something that would throw me over the edge. That wasn't the case of course because my doctors really tell me everything.

Also, an update on Twin Tiers Idol. My mother got in contact with Patty, the woman who runs it, but it was one day too late. She was more than happy to put me in, but since they had already made the final decisions and sent the names to the newspaper, she couldn't change anything. I called her and asked her to think of me in case anyone was unable to do it. She took my number, and now all I have to do is hope that someone has some special event that they forgot about. Wouldn't that be great? For me of course, not for that other person. Well, that's the update from my hospital bed. Bolster, out.

Twin Tiers Idol.

I was just thinking, now that the auditions have passed, I really wanted to be in it this year, even if I said I didn't. Next year, I won't be able to do it, so this was my last chance. I'm a bit sad. But at least this time I won't have to worry about it. I wonder if I can get in touch with someone.

No news is good news.

Except for this news!

1) My PFT's came up by 2%, which essentially is no change. BUT...
2) I'm coming home on Friday!! I told the doctor that I felt like I wasn't making much progress and I think this is the best I'm going to be, so she has agreed to let me go home on Friday.
3) I'm not coming home on IV's!
4) Dr. Talbert said I could keep my port accessed until Friday instead of reaccessing it on Wednesday just to keep it in for 2 days. That's a little less pain and a little more happiness!
5) We're stopping the Reglan! No more shaking, and it didn't make me feel less distended anyway, so there was really no point for it after all.
6) One of my antibiotics was changed due to what the doctor thought was an allergic reaction to it.
7) I now have a prescription written for Benadryl if I need it in the next few days, and it helps me sleep when I'm tired. Fabulous.
8) Sadly, my weight is not topping out at any given weight. I've gained 12 pounds and counting. But it doesn't matter because...

Soon I will be home! I will be swimming! I will be at the lake! I will be with friends! I will be biking! I will be going to graduation parties! The weight will melt off, at least what I have gained while I was in here.

What a positive update! I think I'm going to celebrate with a nap.

The rash continues!

So lately when I wake up in the morning, I've been getting really itchy arms and legs. It happens after I take 2 of my medications, so we have to figure out what is causing it. It started happening yesterday morning, and I thought the rash that was showing up was evidence of me scratching so hard, but it showed up on my knees this morning before I started itching, so it is not from scratching.

All day yesterday and the night before, I did not get IV meds. The nurse set up the IV setup incorrectly and all of my medications were backing up into the saline bag. That's not good. So not only did I miss a whole day of antibiotics, but whatever bit of antibiotics I did get were all mixed together, which is what they try not to do. Maybe that is the reason that I'm getting a rash.

Today I do PFT's and then I will see how my breathing is coming along. I'm starting to think that maybe the disease is starting to take it's course, in a way. The point of the disease is to progressively lose lung function. Maybe this is my new healthy. If it is, then it's going to take some getting used to.

I talked to my friend Kate last night on the phone. She just recently got in a big car accident and broke her leg. It wasn't her driving, it was her sister. But it wasn't their fault. The guy that hit them was going 60mph in a 25mph zone. She also has CF, and after she had her surgeries, she had to get transferred from her hospital at home to a children's hospital in Pittsburgh. What happened was all the pain meds were slowing her respirations so badly that her pulsox was dropping to extreme lows and she couldn't breathe. When she told her nurse at the hospital back home, the nurse proceeded to tell her that she was just saying she couldn't breathe for attention. What is the world coming to these days?

I'll apologize now if I don't write as much. The medication I'm getting to help my stomach makes me so incredibly shaky that it makes it difficult to type. Everything is going pretty well so far aside from the antibiotic mishap. My sugars are under control for the most part even with eating what I want in moderation. I am proof that you don't have to cut out what you love in order to keep yourself healthy and your sugars under control.

Boredom strikes again!

This weekend my parents came. I didn't realize JUST how much I missed them. This is the reason I will never be far from home. I plan on working at St. Christopher's after all, I believe. Not to mention they sometimes need an element of passion added here. I have had a nurse come in and tell me not to get into pediatric nursing. Why she was even working, I don't know. She still works here and I have a mild dislike for her ever since she said that to me. I guess I don't understand how you could get into a line of work and hate the population you work with. You shouldn't have a job that makes you unhappy. It makes passing the time absolutely miserable.

So today I took a walk for nearly half an hour. I was tired before the walk. I am equally tired after the walk. I found out that stairs make my legs all wobbly. Who knew that laying in bed for 2 weeks and taking the elevator for all up and down actions could leave my legs all weak and wobbly. Haha. I'm watching One Tree Hill now. I didn't even know the show still existed. One of the guys on the show turned into a caveman apparently. I have found a new hobby these days. Looking online for things I could never buy! It's really fun internet browsing. But as for now, I am going to try and take another nap. I already took a 2 hour nap today. What's a couple more?

That one holiday.

Happy Father's Day all!

I'll write more tomorrow after my PFT's, because as of now, I have no new news. But Happy Father's Day to all the dad's, or dad's-to-be!!

<3

YAY!!!

Mom and dad come today!!!

There's a reason dial-up is an ancient concept.

So, as I usually write at night about my day, I went to do so again last night. What seemed to be the problem? I could not get online! In no way at all was I able to write to my fellow waiting fans! My phone cord was messed up and the nurse was the most unhelpful person ever and blew it off. So I decided to use my own laptop and use the wireless that somehow allows me to write in my blog. No luck! The wireless networks weren't connecting any longer for me. The world of internet was against me writing in my blog last night.

But this morning! I finally had a nurse that listened to me, and she brought me a new phone cord. Voila! It was that simple, and the nurse last night blamed it on the hospital shutting off the phones at a certain hour. 7:30 at night? I think that is a bit early. She disagreed. She was wrong. Jerk. OK, enough ranting about the nurses.

Nothing new really occurred since the last blog. I feel as though the antibiotics are slowly starting to take a little bit of effect. I'm gaining weight at a terribly fast speed because I eat so often here and get out of my room for real exercise about 1-2 times per week. My sugars are coming under control, and Dr. Steinfeld said he doesn't want me out of here until my sugars have been under control for a length of time. I'm making things I never used to do a habit, so maybe they will carry on when I get home. No, they definitely will. I'll just have to take away some eating and add some moving around. Dropping weight should happen pretty quickly.

Something new and amazing did occur this morning though!! After waking up and spilling a drink all over me/my bed and having to remake it so early in the morning, I was a little erked. But who did I see in the morning that made it all better? Both Dr. Steinfeld and Dr. Schidlow!! Yes, that's right. My primary doctor out here that I haven't seen in mooonths. Maybe even a year or so. He is the head of the hospital and is therefore constantly busy, but he made time to come and talk to me and see me before a ceremony for the graduating residents. How nice. He did not preach to me for the first time in my life. He gave me the pathophysiology of my diabetes as opposed to telling me why it's bad I'm not treating it. That helped me a lot because I understood why I was constantly tired and unable to concentrate. He also told me a lot of stuff I didn't know, such as not taking care of my sugars can lead to more fat production, lower metabolism, and if it gets too out of control, it can lead to a fatty liver, where fat just piles up in the liver. Noooo goooood. He told me that he thinks that the doctors need to focus more on the pathophysiology of the diseases rather than just preaching to me.

Good stuff, I tell ya. So my plan for the day is to get cleaned up, remake my bed with my dry blanket back on it, and relax. But for now, breakfast!

The Scoop.

This was supposed to be posted last night but there was a glitch. The internet booted me and I can't reconnect after about 10 or 11 pm. But here is the post meant for last night!

So it's about 9:30 right now starting this blog, and at 10:00, Animal Cops comes on, so I figure I will write all of this right now while I'm not distracted. This is what has happened and what I have found out in the past day and a half:

1) My PFT's stayed the same at a mere 62%. They actually said that when I did my PFT's a month ago, they were at 63%. That's barely any difference, but it is not an improvement.
2) Due to my PFT's, I am now on two completely different antibiotics. What they found was that the two most common strains of the bug that I carry in my lungs work in the following way: Strain 1 is sensitive to antibiotics A and B but resistant to antibiotics C and D. Strain 2 is just the opposite. They tried treating strain 1 with A and B, but it didn't do the job as well as trying to treat strain 2 with C and D may do. I hope that didn't confuse you. Anyway you look at it, I am on new antibiotics, so it is like starting from square one.
3) I will be here at least (Dr. Steinfeld put emphasis on "at least") 1 more week.
4) I was put on another pill to help my stomach empty faster, therefore possibly decreasing my stomach distension. So far so good.
5) Dairy has been removed from my diet.
6) The dietitian wants me to create a diet/exercise plan at home that includes: exercising 60 minutes a day, cutting down portion size, cutting out all unhealthy foods, only eating healthy snacks, and drinking 2 glasses of water before every meal. I am one woman! One thing at a time, lady!
7) I had my port reaccessed. I left on the numbing cream before hand for nearly 3 hours, and I did not feel a thing when it was reaccessed. The nurse that did it was doing it for the first time. I could tell. A nurse can't keep secrets from a future nurse. He did very well though and I was very proud of him.
8) Patrick and his mom came to visit!!! That was the highlight of the night. They got lost after going the wrong direction for a while, but they got here when visiting hours were over and stayed for an hour. Hahaha. My nurses are understanding. They brought me books: Pitch Black by Frank Lauria, Species II by Yvonne Nevarro, Cold Mountain by Charles Frazier, and A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I'm still working on His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman, but it's getting interesting quickly so I'm trying to go through it fast. He also brought me a book called "Secret Soup". Apparently when I was in kindergarten, it was my favorite book. I don't remember it!!! I'm terrible.

As for updates, that's all I can think of! I'm in a far better mood now than I was when I found out about my PFT's. I guess that's always a plus!!

Depression.

I have a few minutes before I go down to eat with Sharmane from the playroom, so I'll write a bit about my opinions. My views on depression, people have found controversial. Though I am not denying the fact that it may be real, I do not feel as though it should be medicated. If you really think about it, there is one thing in everyone's life that makes them very content and happy, no matter the situation. I feel that too much of a good thing, is a good thing. Medications should not be needed if you can hone in on that one thing, or possibly several things, that make you happy!

I suppose I should clarify now that at times it is hard in here, and I may have complaints, but I never feel it is so bad that I can not emotionally handle it. I have a very strong sense of myself and what I can handle, and it is a lot. I have never been depressed, but I have had my down days. More like down moments in all truthfulness. Earlier today, I was down about my PFT's and staying here longer, but after about 30 minutes, I was over it, and I'm now accepting that the most beneficial thing for me is to be here, getting the proper care I need, so I don't miss out on the rest of my summer.

Moral of the story: If you remain positive, everything will be positive. You may have your moments when you feel like you can't handle a situation, but if you look at the brighter side of things (and there is always a brighter side!), you will have a much more fulfilling life!!

Confessions of a teenage blogger.

I don't think the antibiotics are working.

I have worked more diligently this time than any other stay in my past, and I am not getting better. I took more PFT's today, and at first, my numbers were the worst I have seen them in a very long time, but then slowly they crept up to be at the same exact place that I was one month ago. Something isn't working because my lung function isn't changing, I'm constantly exhausted, and my sugars are still fluctuating with a new and improved highly-concentrated-sugar-free diet. I'm pretty positive as of now that I will not get to any of the graduation parties that I was so excited for. I missed all of my friends actual graduations as well.

This is not a plea for pity, but missing out on the things you want to do so badly is not how life should go, especially not when you are giving it your all. I am giving so much this admission, and getting nothing in return. No. This is no pity party, I swear to you. I want none. I just am voicing frustration at the quality of care I am getting. I could have made this much progress just staying at home. If I was at home, I would be going to my friends' graduations and parties, not to mention spending time with my family. My cousin Meredith came home for a while from Arizona... WHILE I was out here! I miss her so much and I want to see her, because it has honestly been years. Her sister Margaux (also my cousin obviously) had her baby... WHILE I was out here! Granted she lives 2 hours from me us near Williamsport, but it would have been nice to been around.

As I get older, I begin to see how much coming all the way out here affects me. I'm away from friends, family, and fun. But if I look at the positive side of things, I gain friendships out here. Everyone in the playroom staff has become someone I can depend on, whether it be to just come in on their off time to hang out, or to bring me something I need that I can't get myself. In fact, Leslie brought me pineapple today!! I always have to order whole fruit platters to get 2 pieces of pineapple. Now I have 2 cans of my own pineapple to snack on when I'm in the playroom. They are too good to me. I love and miss everyone, and I want to thank everyone who reads my blog because it's a bit of insight into my life, and when I hear the positive thoughts from everyone, it makes being out here and dealing with all of the things I have to deal with so much easier.

Same old, same old.

Today I talked to Dr. Steinfeld. They are removing HIGHLY concentrated sugars from my diet. Oh yay. I'm sure it is only for the better. Already I did not drink my juice this morning, and my sugars were in the hundreds for both breakfast and lunch. At dinner they took a nasty spike into the 300's though. It was a mystery to me why they did that until I realized that they were mixing one of my antibiotics with 5% Dextrose, which in essence is sugar water. Brilliant. Way to go pharmacy!

I realize these blogs are getting terribly boring, but there is not much to write about when your schedule every day is the same. I play Skip-Bo daily (a card game) and watch at least a movie a day. Apparently sinus surgery is not out of the question, but the doc doubts they will do it during this stay due to my sugars fluctuating so terribly. I can't help that if they inject me with sugar water. Haha. Tomorrow I go for more PFT's (pulmonary function tests) to see if my lung function is improving. If it is, we will probably stay on the course that I am on. If not, then we will have to change something up. I have a feeling they will be the same tomorrow as they were when I came in because I feel entirely filled with mucus in my chest and none of it is moving at all, even when I try to physically get it out.

All of the doctors and nurses say I sound great when they listen to me, but feeling great is the issue. I feel like I am nearly having a repeat of my hospital stay over Christmas. If that is the case, it's a good thing I have the whole summer to get back to normal, though I would not want to have the whole summer. I've been spending a lot of my time brainstorming a father's day gift. Of course my dad's only response when I asked him what he wanted, (and don't say nothing!) was "Oh, I really thought about this and I want nothing." Bravo, dad. I'm gettin' you jewelry.

Because I forget easily.

I never remembered to put the address on here once I found it out, so here it is!

Toni Bolster
Room 495
St Christopher's Hospital for Children
E. Erie Ave. & N. Front St.
Philadelphia, PA 19134

Daily regimen... and other stuff, too!

So I said last night that I would write today about what my daily regimen is in here when I am trying to get healthy. Here goes!

8:00 AM:
Wake up, get weighed, get vital signs (temperature, pulse, respirations, blood pressure, pulsox), do Albuterol treatment (10 minutes to open the airways), do Pulmozyme treatment (10 minutes to break up the mucus), do Vest (10 minutes to remove and shake out the mucus), take pills (ADEK for vitamins I don't absorb, Prilosec for acid reflux, Claritin for allergies, Actigal for my gallbladder, Miralax to keep my intestines moving), and finally do my nasal sprays (Flonase to reduce swelling in the sinuses, "Deep Sea" saline to flush out my packed sinuses.

8:30 AM or so:
Take enzymes (5 for meals, 5 for snacks to help me absorb fats and nutrients that I don't normally absorb), test my blood sugar, take my insulin (I'm up to 42 units at breakfast... jeepers), EAT!!

12:00 PM or so:
Repeat Albuterol, vest, and saline nasal spray. Get hooked up to IV's (About 2-3 hours depending on how much the nurse remembers from the last time she took care of me...the bags are always overfilled and therefore require more time). Usually have labs drawn as well.

12:30 PM or so:
Enzymes, blood sugar, EAT!!

2:00 PM:
Enzymes, snack and playroom! Usually meet up with all of my doctors between now and 4:00.

4:00 PM:
Repeat Albuterol, vest, and saline nasal spray.

5:30 PM:
Enzymes, blood sugar, insulin, IV meds again.

7:00 PM:
Usually time to sneak over to visit the cool nurses that aren't on my wing! If not, then I'm in the playroom!

8:00 PM:
Repeat whole entire morning ritual plus another snack. Only pills include ADEK and Actigal.

10:30 PM:
Cafeteria opens, and I'm usually starved, so I get food. If I don't get hungry, I give my card to a nurse I like to get some free food. I know, I'm way generous... Haha. Not.

That is basically my day in a nutshell. And at 2AM, I get hooked up to IV's again. I also get more nebulizers and nasal spray every four hours that I continue to be awake after 8PM, so I try to be in bed by midnight. It is far easier to get all this treatment in the hospital, because after adding up all of the time it takes me to get my treatments done, I would be spending 8 or more hours each day taking care of myself. It is far easier to do it here due to the fact that I have nothing better to do, and I can't go anywhere and do anything extremely fun anyways.

So today, there was still not a lot new. I feel the same still, except my nose is a bit stuffier. I'm going to blame that on the saline nasal spray because I believe it may be flushing stuff out of my deeper sinuses and into my nose. My port has been a bit tender, so I can't wait for it to get reaccessed because I really feel it needs to be taken out. There's not a very speedy blood return and it stings a bit when putting a flush in it.

I talked to Dr. Steinfeld today and told him that my enzymes felt as if they were having no more effect on me. I'm getting distended again and I'm extremely hungry all the time. He said that it is a possibility with my sugars being so high that I could have paresis of my intestines, meaning they aren't moving food through too well or they are dramatically slowed down. He said he was going to talk to my nutritionist and talk about removing all concentrated sugars from my diet. No more popsicles, soda, candy, etc. I got yelled at by my endocrine doctor today when he walked in on me in the playroom eating a Strawberry yogurt. If I'm not supposed to eat my concentrated sugars, and apparently yogurt is no good either, what am I supposed to eat? Dog food? I know. I'm exaggerating. If Dr. Steinfeld tells me I need to do something though, I will listen, because he is my favorite doctor of all time. If I have to give up my Pepsi that Jose is sneaking up with my 8PM snack, then I will. But yogurt is important to me when I'm on antibiotics, so they really shouldn't take that away.

The only other thing that needs to be mentioned is my ability to single-handedly attract creepy volunteers. Years ago when I was about 13 I attracted a 25 year old volunteer which then was not allowed to come back because of his inappropriateness that, if you don't already know about, I won't tell you about on here. Today in the playroom, a volunteer from laundry barged in and was nice enough, playing with the kids, except he wasn't allowed to be just wandering around the hospital at his will. I didn't talk to him the whole time. When the playroom closed, he asked if he could walk me back to my room. I wasn't going to say "Absolutely NOT!!" So he walked me back to my room, and then walked in without invite. He talked to me for a while and told him his life story. I wanted to come back to my room and read.

The aide came in to take my vitals and I showed her my 'get him out of here' face. She asked him to leave to do vitals, and then I acted like I was too sick to talk and layed down in the dark. She told him I wasn't feeling well and he left. When he was in my room though, he asked for my Myspace, my Facebook, and my cell number. I gave him none, but told the playroom staff what he asked. He basically got in trouble for being inappropriate with a patient, a.k.a. me. A volunteer should not be asking for a patient's number. In other words, he hit on me, and that's against hospital policy, I'm sure.

Anyways, that's been my day! And that's all.

Commenting!

Just so you all know, when you comment, you won't be able to see your comment appear until I approve it! I moderate all of my comments to make sure no one is being a hater. I have a few enemies in this blogging community... Haha. We tend to disagree on life a bit I suppose. So don't get downtrodden if your comment doesn't show. I just have to approve it when I log back in to write again!

Harry Potter keeps me sane.

I have been watching Harry Potter for the past few hours. I really think it keeps me together when I'm in here. It's always a new joy, even if I've seen it a hundred times. I think pretty soon I'm going to be in the mood to read! My doctor said that the book I've started that includes the Golden Compass is very good. He said it's definitely not for children though because it has a lot to do with religion and the lack of it. I don't see why that's not for children, I mean they made it into a movie?

Nothing really new today, so this will be a brief entry. Dr. Steinfeld is my doctor for I believe the next week. He is my favorite doctor because he is younger and has amazing taste in music and movies and books. I'd marry him if he wasn't already married, with children. He is the doctor that always burns me CD's of new music he thinks I will like, and he is always correct. I think I need to give him some suggestions for a change. He was going to bring in Iron Man for me to watch, but I told him I had already seen it. That was a great movie. I'd recommend it to all of you reading!

I'm going to try and go to bed now. I have been sleeping a lot throughout the day. I've been absolutely exhausted, and weekends are a good time for me to try and catch up on sleep. Tomorrow I think I may write and explain my regimen for my days here in the hospital. There's a lot to it, and even though I have time to do things like watch movies and write in here, there really isn't much time at all. I just realized today that I spend 40 minutes of my day doing my vest alone. It should be longer, approximately 60 minutes, but I figure 40 minutes every day of clearance is a lot in general, so I don't feel bad about it. Shaking like crazy every four hours is not my idea of fun, but sleep is. Good night!!

Oh, Esiason!

I thought I would do a quick blog entry to mention two things!

First of all, Happy birthday nana! I love you and I miss you!

Second of all, I just saw a commercial with Boomer and Gunnar Esiason for Sears. It was a commercial about Father's Day. But I guess from what I can understand if you buy certain appliances from Sears, some money goes toward a foundation they have. I'm sure some of that money goes to research for CF. Awesome.

I feel so special that I talk to Gunnar and he was on TV. No, he just seems to be a really nice kid.

Fabulous. Off to dinner with Marilyn and others!

Today is Friday.

One week ago I came in. One week ago I felt crappy. One week later, I still feel crappy.

I can't seem to understand. I am doing all of my meds and treatments like an amazingly compliant patient. The only thing I'd rather not comply with is the Asian intern who is too soft spoken. It irritates me to no end. Irritation reminds me of my lungs. They are refusing to take deep breaths because they are so irritated. Last night at around 11 pm I realized I wasn't breathing too well. It felt like my lungs were full of mucus and it was all dried on, therefore incapable of moving. So I asked for a treatment. At nearly 12 am my treatment came.

By this time I was feeling worse than I did when I had first asked. I took the treatment, which the respiratory therapist took about 50 hours to hook up. I had been coughing before the treatment came and I could not stop. Every time I coughed, my machine would beep because the pressure made my port and setup for my pump occlude. So that was frustrating me to no end. So while I am struggling to breath, I have to keep making my pump stop alarming. Anyway, the treatment came, and I coughed and coughed and coughed. Essentially it did nothing. I sparked myself into what felt like an asthma attack and I couldn't breathe. I swear the nurses were oblivious to my loud gasping for air. No one heard me. I rang my call bell and they finally came in.

This is when I finally saw some hustle. I was breathing a million miles a minute, I couldn't calm down. In a matter of ten minutes I had both nurses working the floor in my room, two doctors I had never seen before, the aide hooking up my pulsox and heart monitor, and the X-ray technician. It took nearly half an hour for me to be able to breathe better again, but I didn't end up sleeping until nearly 2 in the morning due to all of this. I'm glad they could finally catch a glimpse of what I was dealing with before I came in here.

I was peeved when they noted in my chart that I had a "panic attack". What? They did not mention the difficulty breathing in the beginning. They did not mention the asthma like symptoms. They contributed my fast breathing and sweating due to my naturally high body temperature, to a panic attack. *Smacks self in the head* I somehow knew they would do that when the doctor asked me while I was hyperventilating if I was stressed out or if school was stressing me out. School's over. I have nothing to be stressed about now. Why would I be having these attacks if I had no stress. I wasn't anxious. I'm not a mental case here. Let's look at the physiology, doc.

Anyway, that was my eventful night. I feel the most tired and irritated that I have in a while. The ENT doctors came in today to talk to me. They said that with people with chronic lung conditions, often times they avoid doing sinus surgery at all costs. They said my maxillary sinuses, basically under the eyes, were completely full. They said my ethmoid sinuses near the front were full on the left side. But after talking they decided to put me on some other nasal spray to flush them out. We'll see how that works. I'll do it every four hours and apparently all the snot in there will magically disappear. One can only hope.

My respiratory doctor came in the morning. He didn't have much to say, but when I told him what occurred last night, he looked like he was doubting everything I was saying. I don't know what's going on here, but I feel like no one believes me. I told them my lungs were irritated, almost like breathing in cold air in the winter when I tried to take a deep breath. He looked at me weird. I told him I was doing my vest, but I didn't feel like it was doing any good. He suggested chest pt. I told him I have really sensitive skin every time I start on IV's. He looked at me weird. I told him the treatment made me cough and it didn't really help my breathing. He looked at me weird. I mentioned that the hypertonic saline treatments spark my asthma attacks. He looked at me weird. I'm sorry if I'm not what you are used to, but it's no good to lie about how and what I feel. What good would that do me here?

If they were experiencing what I feel, they would understand far better.

I did PFT's today earlier. They did not go up, but rather declined a tiny bit. Not really enough to say so though. I have to do them again after my treatment so that my doctor can see how much treatments help. If they make my numbers increase, then there is a lot of asthma going on. I hope they increase so I can shove it in his face. These are not panic attacks I have been having. They are asthma attacks. We'll see how it goes.

I also thought I would mention a little bit about my old friend Luis. He suffered from Asthma and I met him in the hospital. We became really good friends and would always play cards together. When I left, we wrote to each other and always talked about possibly visiting each other. I saw him about one more time when I was in. He came to visit me when Leslie, a woman who works in the playroom, called him and told him I was in. He lived about 5 minutes away from the hospital. His family was always great to me. He was honestly the first friend I had met and kept from the hospital. As some of you may or may not know, back in January he was involved in a car accident and died at the scene. I believe he was only 17 years old. There were 6 people in the car. Three kids died. The other three were injured. It wasn't their fault. A driver sped through an intersection without stopping.

I was talking to Leslie the other day in the playroom and we got talking about Luis. He was like a son to her because her boys and him were the same age. He was always at her house and he wasn't even considered a friend of the family. She was basically his second mom. Anyways, Leslie was telling me about him. The time that I was in back in December I sent him a little note online through her phone because I had lost touch with him. That was about one to two weeks before he passed. Leslie said that when he got that note from me, he called her and was so excited. Leslie said that Luis just loved me, and every time I was in he was always excited to know that I was close by if he was able to make the visit. He didn't get a chance to come when I was in over Christmas, but Leslie said he was thinking about me. It just made me really happy to know that I was on his mind even when I was not physically there. It's nice to have had a friend like that.

Well, it's time to do PFTs again and get washed up. I hope this made up for not writing yesterday. :o) I miss everyone.

Extremely quick update.

I feel far too tired to write. But quick update.

I had a CT scan today and my sinuses are full, as my doctor suspected. The ear/nose/throat doctor came in while I was gone. They will come back tomorrow to name my fate. That's really it. Time for bed.

Lousy start to the day.

This morning did not start of well at all. At around 6 a.m. I was finishing up an IV med and I rolled over and knew instantly that I had popped the needle out of my port. Normally something like this would not bother me if it had not happened multiple times before. This port is the worst thing to happen to me in my treatment, I'm pretty sure. But I guess if this is as bad as it gets, it's not really so bad. It all seems more frustrating than it really is when I have to wake up after a small amount of sleep, I'm sure.

I decided that since my needle was out, I was going to take a shower while I had the chance, so at 6:15 this morning I was taking a shower. They let me sleep again until 8 because they knew I was tired and upset and the only med I had to get on time was an antibiotic at 9 because they had to draw levels of it from my port. One of my previous nurses, Sue, accessed my port with a bigger needle to see if it might be different, and she got it first shot. I love Sue. I was talking to her and during my field experience for school, I was thinking of working at St. Christopher's and she said she would definitely take me under her wing. She even said that she had a friend that hosted people all of the time so I might even be able to get hooked up with a place to stay. That is far down the line though. We'll have to see how it works out.

I have to say that this stay is opening my eyes. First the enzymes, then realizing the possibility behind my poor concentration may be my sugars. I should not have to just be realizing these things after nearly 20 years of my life. I'm killing myself. I need to start realizing what the consequences are for not complying, aside from the occasional lecture. Too many people care and worry about me for me to keep blowing things off because I think they aren't as important as other things. Everything is connected, and as a future nurse I know this, I just need to convince myself of it. I think this stay is doing a good job at it.

My respiratory doctor came in today with not a whole lot of new news, but she wants me to get a CT scan tomorrow to look at my sinuses. She changed the date because if my sinuses are full, she wants to have Friday to consult with ENT (ear, nose, throat) about clearing them out. I'm hoping it's really not that bad. I was actually surprised at how set on this they are this time.

I stopped my pump today. I'm starting shots again, just 2 a day, and it's going to take some getting used to again. Every time I get up from bed, I get about a foot away from the bed and stop in my tracks thinking I'm dragging my insulin pump behind me. I think ultimately this may have to be the way I go because it truly is less work. My sugars have been really high today, but it is the first time trying this insulin mixture, so they are just planning on increasing the dose until it suits my eating habits. Also, when I go home, they may have to adjust the dose as well because I won't eat as often. When I'm in school again, I'm sure they will have to adjust it again because I rarely eat during the day when I'm in school.

I talked to a guy in the playroom today named Rocky. Rocky works with musicians. He sings himself, and he's my new favorite person. He has worked with greats such as Elton John, Barbara Streisand, Billy Joel, and one that I was baffled to hear: Michael Buble. He was surprised he got a reaction out of me when he said Michael Buble because he thought no one my age would know and like him. I love him. He's a tenor and I believe he sounds like... I think they are called crooners? Yeah. He has an amazing voice. Anyways, this guy Rocky helped Michael record his album and was backup for him. AMAZING. Rocky called his wife as soon as he found out I liked him and his wife is burning me all of his CDs and I'm going to get them tomorrow. Exciting! He also said that if I was ever in town and he was having a concert, to get a hold of him and he would set it up so I could meet him. I think this is a long shot but I'm going to believe he's telling the truth and dream that one day I will actually do something like that. He also showed me a necklace he had (Rocky) and he said Michael gave it to him as a gift for helping him record backup. So technically I touched something that Michael Buble touched. Oh sweet!

If you would like to know who he is, just look him up on youtube. His song Home is one you would like as well as Everything.

Well, I'm off. Have to do my vest.