I feel better now.

It really doesn't take much. Thanks for talking, Steph. <3 I miss you!

Can't sleep.

It's almost 5 am and I have been tossing and turning all night, unable to get some sleep. I don't have anything to be losing sleep over. The past week has been alright aside from the fact that my dad's surgery was cancelled. Luckily he's going in on his birthday (Yee haw, right?) to get his leg fixed. As for me, I feel like there is something going on with me lately. I'll have great days, but then some days things just won't seem to go right, no matter how hard I want them to. I don't really know what I'm talking about, because I can't pinpoint what the heck is wrong with me. I will feel really down about myself and then get really upset about it for no reason. I'm not eating healthy, and I'll eat anything bad that I can get my hands on. I don't know of any situation that should be sparking any of this. I just need to forget about it and buck up. Sorry, just needed to get this off my shoulders, whatever this may be.

Today feels good.

Simply that! Today feels like it is going to be a good day despite the fact that I have to maneuver a shower into my life with my port accessed. Always tricky. But you gotta do what you gotta do. Oh, and I really need to clean my room. It looks like disaster struck. Just thought I'd mention that today feels good. Even if I don't necessarily feel good, today does.

Holy load of letdowns.

This week has had a lot of letdowns for me! Let's discuss.

First of all, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, that was supposed to be coming out in theaters in November, was pushed back to July 17th of 2009. This is not because the film isn't done, it is solely for revenue purposes. I hate Warner Brothers. Don't they realize that Harry Potter is my sanity when school gets out of line?

Secondly, my med supply company sent me the wrong length needles for my portacath. What does this mean? They don't fit. What does that mean? I just got stuck 4 different times before I realized there was no way the needle was going to work. Currently my nurse has run back to the place she is sent from to get the right size needle to come back and stick me again. Great! I really hope it works, or it will be yet another letdown. (If it doesn't work with a longer needle, there is a possibility my port is clotted. Fabulous!)

Thirdly, recall that blog I told you to read about Pepe and her struggles with CF and her lung transplant? It was false. I found out through a fellow CFer, Carla, after reading her blog. Pepe (Gina is her name) did not have a lung transplant. She does not, in fact, even have CF. She fooled everyone around her, and that is why her blog is no longer available. Not only that, she can be held accountable for fraud. If you read her blog, you will know that many people responded to a donation back before Christmas of last year to get a Wii for Gina to help her time before the "supposed" transplant go by. Time went by, and so did many people's money. Some of it was donated to a CF cause I believe, but the other money was not. I don't understand how someone can be so sick as to play on a serious problem and be able to make up a sob story so willingly. There were SO many people backing her up, many with CF, and all were let down.

Let me tell you a bit about the real Gina. She doesn't have CF. She rides horses, and probably breaks their backs doing so. If she would have put a picture of herself up on her blog site as opposed to a completely oblivious friend of hers, you would have realized instantly that she did not have CF, if you know what I mean. She is messed up in the head. She brings me to believe that mental illness has to be real if someone is so messed up as to create such an intense tale without actually experiencing the pain and heartbreak that goes along with it.

Just, holy cow. On the up side, though, last night was an amazing night of singing and relaxing around the bonfire with family and friends. So many guitars going at once! A bit hard to follow, but fun nonetheless. I have to say that my cousin Justin is one of the most talented people I know. Mike, keep up on your guitar. You can play insane things, and I am absolutely awestruck by you as well! Jamie, even when you don't try, you are beautiful. Go out and get a job as a model already. Jade, your voice is like a songbird, and it was so good to actually have you up to sing with the family for a whole night. As for everyone else, you all did great as backup singers and guitar players and bass players. I have very musically talented friends and family, and I'm so lucky for every last one of you. It was great seeing you Uncle Mark, Aunt Elaine, Mike, and Tyler! Hope your trip home is a safe one and I hope you had a good stay up here on Mormon Lake. Everyone last night is the reason my life is so worth living, and I want to thank you all!

I'm so glad...

I'm so glad that it takes me posting on here for others to see how good their lives really are. Always remember that there is someone who has it worse. Also remember to focus on the good in life instead of the bad. It will make you feel better about what you can and have accomplished, and you won't think of the negativity quite as often.

Also thought I'd say:

Thanks to my mom for putting up with the crap dished out at work every day, and then still coming home to feed us.

Thanks to my dad for never complaining about your ailments. I see how strong you are and it makes me bite my lip at times, and we all need to do that on occasion.

Thanks to my sister for always viewing me as a normal person, no matter what's happening in my life.

And thanks to everyone who reads and supports me. I really do have amazing friends and family, and a great life to back it up. I love you guys, once again!

CF isn't your free ticket to complain 24/7.

As one person with CF, I understand what someone else with CF goes through. I may not be as bad off as them, but I know others with CF that have it far worse. Don't tell me you are too exhausted and weak to take a shower when my friend who is so close to going on the transplant list can still rock climb on occasion. Oh, and she can still shower with no breath left in her. Don't complain when you don't have it that bad.

Also, don't blame your failing friendships and relationships on people not being able to accept your disease. It's you. You complain when someone doesn't help you move into the hospital. You complain when friends don't visit you. You complain about this and that and even that one thing I never thought it was possible to complain about. People can accept your disease. They can not, however, accept your constant complaining and tendency to be so overdramatic about everything in the world. Suck it up for once in your life and realize that allergies are not the end of the world. You aren't the only one that suffers, and at times I think people without CF suffer FAR worse than you do.

I am so irritated. But today was an awesome day with the family. Love you guys!

Different points of view.

I'm not sure why I decided to write this entry. It just struck me as interesting.
I am in a group online that helps me deal with my CF. Everyone in the group is like a personal friend that I have never met, but am so lucky to know. We really like to have fun regarding our CF, but sometimes we hit a serious note. In the next few entries, you will catch a glimpse of how some of us feel regarding our daily struggle, and the support systems we use to help us through it. No names will be given, not that anyone would really know them.

"It's not that I'm necessarily afraid of death. What I hate is what you leave behind. All the loved ones and stuff... I'm very sappy in that aspect. I don't want to die before my parents... I don't want to leave my husband behind ... things like that get me sad."

"I must be weak.. but I don't think I am. I feel bad that my parents have to fork out everything they earn to keep me 'healthy'. I feel bad that my parents have to worry about my health. But I don't think it's fair that I keep all the stress and worries I have to myself. I share everything with my parents and especially to my boyfriend. I mean I didn't choose to have the disease so why should I be the only one that has to bear the burden?"

"I definitely feel guilt about how CF affects the other people in my life! I want it to just be MY disease. I can deal with the s***, but I hate it when the people around me are affected. BUT in reality, it affects people only because they care about us. And they think we are worth it. And probably don't care that it is affecting them, they probably just want you to feel better!"

"I'm pretty nervous about death, but really I am desensitized on other big issues and take an "o-well nothing I can do" attitude. The one thing I get a lot is guilt for what I put other people through. I feel really bad for making my parents have to go to the hospital on Easter, or stuff like that. In fact a lot of times while at school even if I am sick I will tell my family I'm fine just because I don't want them to worry and there is nothing they can do anyway."

"Any time something really bad happens, I'll basically say the same thing: "What're you going to do? S*** happens. Move along." Because of that (and I hate to admit this), I also have less patience for people who dwell on stupid issues. On the contrary, I find myself much more empathetic towards people who have it worse off than me than a normal person would.. P.S. Death isn't much of an issue to me. I mean, everyone has to go through it, y'know? In fact, it's the theme of my next tattoo. It's going to end up translating to 'once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.'"

"Death is still a very sad and real thing to me."

"...Second of all, I never want to die. I love life far too much. If I die, I want to die before everyone else though, because I don't want to experience being left without someone I love. Slightly hypocritical. Whatever. Third of all, I would rather take on the pain, agony, and suffering of EVERYONE who cares about me and what I go through. This is my burden. I deal with it really well, and I don't feel as though others should have to go through that because I know it makes me stronger. Also, if they don't deal with it, they don't have to deal with the emotional pain that accompanies it. Let everyone else live their lives toil free! Some aren't as strong as I consider myself to be."

I'm not sure what exactly made me do this post, but I hope you guys can see the different issues on our minds. And because I'm not worried about my name being attached to one of these quotes, the last one is my point of view. For anyone who was curious what I think about life and death, now you know. It's an issue everyone deals with, but when you go through life the way I have, it makes you see things a little bit differently. I know that the little things in life make me completely happy. It's not the holiday that matters, missing your birthday, Easter, Christmas, the Fourth of July, it's who is there to share it with you, and hopefully without worries, though you can never ask that of someone who loves you unconditionally.

I'm hoping this will ease tension or fears among anyone who has ever worried about me. There's no point in worrying! I would take on a world of worry to give someone else happiness, at least for a day. And even with worry and stress in my life, I remain a genuinely happy person, because I have nothing in my life that is worth getting down about!