So fast.

It's hard to believe that a person can go from healthy to sick so quickly. It's times like these when I hate my life and all I have to deal with. To be healthy would be too much to ask, but a little break from sickness would be nice. What else can I do when I've tried it all? I can say that I'm lucky this year because I made it through both Christmas and the most amazing wedding ever, but in reality, I feel that right now, I am not lucky at all. There's no reason whatsoever that I should have to go through what I go through while others are free to be as healthy as they please. I dream of waking up one day and taking a deep breath that doesn't hurt. Some days, I feel like I would rather just not breathe in order to take the irritation away. Of course, I know that this is impossible because everything that I do is to keep me breathing.

Of course I have been worse before, but that doesn't make this sick any less sick than the sick before it. To not be able to breathe right all of the time would eat away at anybody, and to some, it would be too much to take. I am strong, I know this, but there is a difference between understanding what needs to be done and accepting what needs to be done. Sometimes I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, like now for instance. I've been fighting off something for a little while now and oral antibiotics and upping my medications didn't necessarily help. I was put on steroids which screw up my sugars to no end, but made me feel better. If I could stay on steroids without the side effects to my sugar and the weight gain, I probably would, but I can't because they really are harmful. The only other choice I have is IV antibiotics. This would be OK if I wasn't dealing with other things in my life.

School is coming back up on the fifth. It's going to be a much tougher term, mostly because I don't want to be involved in any part of it. I understand that I may need to miss a week or two because of IV antibiotics, but I don't want to accept the fact that, once again, I will be ridiculously behind. It seems that every time I get ahead, I have to fall back. While I will be healthier after IVs, I will have twice as much work to do to stress me out and get me sick again. I don't want to deal with that, as much as I know I have to.

The amount of pressure and stress put on me when I'm sick is insane. It's always my call, and sometimes I just don't know how to call it. If I could just have a past history of all of my signs and symptoms and what I did for each time, life would be easier, but it's rarely ever the same. I teeter on the fence not knowing if I should take time out of my life now and miss things, or take more than I can truly spare out of my life later and maybe miss things too. For every time I hold out thinking I may get better and end up getting worse, that's more time I ultimately make up for it. I don't know what others would do if they were in my situation, but I just want to live my life like a normal person. I want my biggest worries to be about boys and friends, not about how fast I'm going to get sick, when it's going to happen again, and most importantly, how it is affecting everyone else.

I hate living my life constantly fearing the next time I will get sick, the next time my parents will have to miss work, the next time I get a medical bill, or the worst, the next time my lung function will drop. To live life in constant fear is not easy, and it's even harder when I'm trying the be that "strong person" I am. I know that if I didn't deal with this, I wouldn't be the person I am today. But at the same time, I just want it to stop so I never have to deal with it. I want to be able to celebrate New Years this year with my friends. I want to be able to go into my last second term ever feeling on top of the world. I want to be completely healthy and normal for once in my life.

I hate writing posts like this because I know I'm better than this, but at times I just feel as though I have to really write how I feel or it will scrape away at me forever until I let it out. Just imagine having to be the one to tell your doctor when you think you are sick enough. Now that I am growing up, the choices and options I have are truly slimming. Soon I will have a career, one that is absolutely dreadful for my health, but one I couldn't live without. How will I afford my drugs to stay healthy when they are so specific, there is no generic alternative? When will I draw the line and stop taking care of my patients to become one? How long will I be able to do what I love before my disease gets the best of me? I know I am an adult, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a kid trying to handle too many obstacles at once. This is one of those times.

But... I know that tomorrow, I will handle it and I will deal with it. It's never a good time to be sick and when you are sick a majority of the time, good times don't come as often as you'd like them to. This is just one of those days where I completely feel the unfairness of life, and it's just proving a bit harder to deal with. Let's just hope tomorrow brings better news and a better time.

Congratulations!

Too tired to really write a lot, but I just want to say congratulations to Nikki and JP! The wedding was beautiful and so comfortable! It was like a normal family get together, plus a little bit more happy tears and an extra band. Altogether, I had an awesome time and I was so happy to see the family. Nothing makes me happier than family.

Love you guys!

My realization.

I feel like writing about what my mom and dad have already heard plenty about: My interview at Arnot. I went into my interview at Arnot feeling pretty confident. I had no reason not to be. It all went well up until they reviewed my application. With my first and only job in the work/study program at school, I had to quit because I was getting too sick with both my freshman year homework and schooling and having a job as well. In the space asking for my reason for leaving my job, I put illness. I thought it was general enough and no one would question it. After all, it was just a work/study position at school with a maximum of eight hours a week.

I was wrong. One of the nurses interviewing me asked what exactly happened, and I felt that it would be alright to tell her I had Cystic Fibrosis. She had guessed I had something because of how much I was coughing, but I didn't feel like mentioning it unless I had to. Regardless, she asked me about how my attendance was in my work/study job. I said that I called in when I was far too exhausted and sick to go in. She seemed to take it alright, but near the end of the interview, she turned the tables on me a little bit and mentioned their attendance policy. She was not telling me about it in a nice way. I felt as though I was being targeted for having an illness that would force me to miss work from time to time. Apparently, after three times of calling in to work sick, some board would have to meet up to decide the person's fate. I had no intention of telling her that I wouldn't be calling in for sick "days", but rather "weeks". The way she talked to me, and the way she stared me down, it made me feel as though she wanted me to promise her that I would never get sick more than three times. She nearly had me tearing up because she made me feel so low about myself.

You may not be able to picture what her words did to me, but if you were in the position I was in, and had someone talking to you the way she did, you would probably get to thinking a little bit too much and start to question yourself too. I didn't get upset by the fact that she was badgering me, I got upset because it made me question how useful I was actually ever going to be when I get into the nursing field. If I catch a cold, I'm out. If I catch the flu, I'm out. If I catch pneumonia, I'm out. If I get too exhausted and too overtired, I'm out. How can I be useful at all if I can never be there? It's times like these I wish I could just be normal like everyone else. After talking to my parents, I realize that there is honestly no reason I shouldn't be looked into for a position. I'm near the top of my class, I'm a pleasant person, I treat all patients like they matter, I understand first hand what many go through both physically and emotionally, and it is the only career I can ever see myself doing. I deserve to have any position I want and think I can handle. I deserve it, no matter what they think.

The one main reason I wanted to work at Arnot was because it is so close to home. Also, it isn't the Guthrie. I don't really trust the Guthrie. They haven't been so good to me or others in the past. Not to mention, the pay rate is less. Currently Geisinger is my number one choice. I really like the facility. The staff members are friendly, and if I got a job, I could go straight into pediatrics which is what I would truly want to do. It's only about two hours from home, the houses and apartments in the surrounding area are cheap, and they give you a pretty nice chunk of change to help you with anything you need it to help you with, which for me would be moving. I go back this coming Tuesday to finish up my interview process. I had to cancel this week because of the winter weather advisory, which was stupid because the weather was not that bad.

But anyways, regarding the whole attendance issue, I know it will be alright. I will miss time from work. There will be days when I feel too ill to go. In the end though, I know that I am passionate enough to do all that I can. That's all about that issue.

Another issue I've been having lately is how much I see my sister. When she isn't at work, she is rarely home. Currently, even though the roads are pretty bad, she has left the house to go see her boyfriend. I figured for one day and one night, she could just be home if I wanted to hang out with her. Apparently that becomes impossible every time she has a boyfriend. For example, just the other night we sat down to watch The Office together. It was even planned. We sat down, I walked out of the room to get something, and when I came back, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. Within the next fifteen minutes, she was asking if it was alright if she went to Ben's instead. Before leaving, she asked, "Do you promise you won't stay mad if I go to Ben's?" I obviously couldn't stay mad, but at the same time I thought 'If you know I'm upset, then why are you putting your new plans with your boyfriend before your plans with me'? Maybe I need to get a boyfriend so I can understand why they are so much more important.

Last of all, I feel like I may be getting sick. This isn't the time to be like this, but I can't help that. I've had crackles and wheezing and a lot of difficulty breathing, just like I did last Christmas. I think I may give it a day or two and if I feel like it's getting progressively worse, I'll talk to my doctor and ask what to do. My antibiotic doesn't seem to be helping, but I don't know if it's anything to worry about. If I do something about it, it's going to have to be pretty soon. I can't afford to be getting better when school is starting back up.

I just feel crummy. Worrying is by far the worst thing in the world.

Oh, Geisinger.

I need my Cipro. My lungs feel yucky tonight. Just sayin'.

I had an interview today at Geisinger and I really like the facility. I will be going back soon enough for a second interview and I hope that I appeal to all the other nurses that work there on the peds floor because if they don't like me, I probably won't get any sort of position. I bought a cute outfit and I looked snazzy. That's always nice. Plus, it doubles as a wedding outfit! Hoo ha! This is going to be short because I'm beat, but I have to also mention that there is a Playstation, DVD player, and VCR in every single room. Maybe I should have spent my childhood at Geisinger? Maybe when I was little, they might have had old school Nintendos in all of the rooms. Oh, I only wish.

P.S. I won't need prior training to go into a specialty because Geisinger is in PA. Unfortunately, I won't be able to do any IV's if I get a job there. That makes me so upset.