My realization.

I feel like writing about what my mom and dad have already heard plenty about: My interview at Arnot. I went into my interview at Arnot feeling pretty confident. I had no reason not to be. It all went well up until they reviewed my application. With my first and only job in the work/study program at school, I had to quit because I was getting too sick with both my freshman year homework and schooling and having a job as well. In the space asking for my reason for leaving my job, I put illness. I thought it was general enough and no one would question it. After all, it was just a work/study position at school with a maximum of eight hours a week.

I was wrong. One of the nurses interviewing me asked what exactly happened, and I felt that it would be alright to tell her I had Cystic Fibrosis. She had guessed I had something because of how much I was coughing, but I didn't feel like mentioning it unless I had to. Regardless, she asked me about how my attendance was in my work/study job. I said that I called in when I was far too exhausted and sick to go in. She seemed to take it alright, but near the end of the interview, she turned the tables on me a little bit and mentioned their attendance policy. She was not telling me about it in a nice way. I felt as though I was being targeted for having an illness that would force me to miss work from time to time. Apparently, after three times of calling in to work sick, some board would have to meet up to decide the person's fate. I had no intention of telling her that I wouldn't be calling in for sick "days", but rather "weeks". The way she talked to me, and the way she stared me down, it made me feel as though she wanted me to promise her that I would never get sick more than three times. She nearly had me tearing up because she made me feel so low about myself.

You may not be able to picture what her words did to me, but if you were in the position I was in, and had someone talking to you the way she did, you would probably get to thinking a little bit too much and start to question yourself too. I didn't get upset by the fact that she was badgering me, I got upset because it made me question how useful I was actually ever going to be when I get into the nursing field. If I catch a cold, I'm out. If I catch the flu, I'm out. If I catch pneumonia, I'm out. If I get too exhausted and too overtired, I'm out. How can I be useful at all if I can never be there? It's times like these I wish I could just be normal like everyone else. After talking to my parents, I realize that there is honestly no reason I shouldn't be looked into for a position. I'm near the top of my class, I'm a pleasant person, I treat all patients like they matter, I understand first hand what many go through both physically and emotionally, and it is the only career I can ever see myself doing. I deserve to have any position I want and think I can handle. I deserve it, no matter what they think.

The one main reason I wanted to work at Arnot was because it is so close to home. Also, it isn't the Guthrie. I don't really trust the Guthrie. They haven't been so good to me or others in the past. Not to mention, the pay rate is less. Currently Geisinger is my number one choice. I really like the facility. The staff members are friendly, and if I got a job, I could go straight into pediatrics which is what I would truly want to do. It's only about two hours from home, the houses and apartments in the surrounding area are cheap, and they give you a pretty nice chunk of change to help you with anything you need it to help you with, which for me would be moving. I go back this coming Tuesday to finish up my interview process. I had to cancel this week because of the winter weather advisory, which was stupid because the weather was not that bad.

But anyways, regarding the whole attendance issue, I know it will be alright. I will miss time from work. There will be days when I feel too ill to go. In the end though, I know that I am passionate enough to do all that I can. That's all about that issue.

Another issue I've been having lately is how much I see my sister. When she isn't at work, she is rarely home. Currently, even though the roads are pretty bad, she has left the house to go see her boyfriend. I figured for one day and one night, she could just be home if I wanted to hang out with her. Apparently that becomes impossible every time she has a boyfriend. For example, just the other night we sat down to watch The Office together. It was even planned. We sat down, I walked out of the room to get something, and when I came back, she was on the phone with her boyfriend. Within the next fifteen minutes, she was asking if it was alright if she went to Ben's instead. Before leaving, she asked, "Do you promise you won't stay mad if I go to Ben's?" I obviously couldn't stay mad, but at the same time I thought 'If you know I'm upset, then why are you putting your new plans with your boyfriend before your plans with me'? Maybe I need to get a boyfriend so I can understand why they are so much more important.

Last of all, I feel like I may be getting sick. This isn't the time to be like this, but I can't help that. I've had crackles and wheezing and a lot of difficulty breathing, just like I did last Christmas. I think I may give it a day or two and if I feel like it's getting progressively worse, I'll talk to my doctor and ask what to do. My antibiotic doesn't seem to be helping, but I don't know if it's anything to worry about. If I do something about it, it's going to have to be pretty soon. I can't afford to be getting better when school is starting back up.

I just feel crummy. Worrying is by far the worst thing in the world.