So fast.

It's hard to believe that a person can go from healthy to sick so quickly. It's times like these when I hate my life and all I have to deal with. To be healthy would be too much to ask, but a little break from sickness would be nice. What else can I do when I've tried it all? I can say that I'm lucky this year because I made it through both Christmas and the most amazing wedding ever, but in reality, I feel that right now, I am not lucky at all. There's no reason whatsoever that I should have to go through what I go through while others are free to be as healthy as they please. I dream of waking up one day and taking a deep breath that doesn't hurt. Some days, I feel like I would rather just not breathe in order to take the irritation away. Of course, I know that this is impossible because everything that I do is to keep me breathing.

Of course I have been worse before, but that doesn't make this sick any less sick than the sick before it. To not be able to breathe right all of the time would eat away at anybody, and to some, it would be too much to take. I am strong, I know this, but there is a difference between understanding what needs to be done and accepting what needs to be done. Sometimes I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, like now for instance. I've been fighting off something for a little while now and oral antibiotics and upping my medications didn't necessarily help. I was put on steroids which screw up my sugars to no end, but made me feel better. If I could stay on steroids without the side effects to my sugar and the weight gain, I probably would, but I can't because they really are harmful. The only other choice I have is IV antibiotics. This would be OK if I wasn't dealing with other things in my life.

School is coming back up on the fifth. It's going to be a much tougher term, mostly because I don't want to be involved in any part of it. I understand that I may need to miss a week or two because of IV antibiotics, but I don't want to accept the fact that, once again, I will be ridiculously behind. It seems that every time I get ahead, I have to fall back. While I will be healthier after IVs, I will have twice as much work to do to stress me out and get me sick again. I don't want to deal with that, as much as I know I have to.

The amount of pressure and stress put on me when I'm sick is insane. It's always my call, and sometimes I just don't know how to call it. If I could just have a past history of all of my signs and symptoms and what I did for each time, life would be easier, but it's rarely ever the same. I teeter on the fence not knowing if I should take time out of my life now and miss things, or take more than I can truly spare out of my life later and maybe miss things too. For every time I hold out thinking I may get better and end up getting worse, that's more time I ultimately make up for it. I don't know what others would do if they were in my situation, but I just want to live my life like a normal person. I want my biggest worries to be about boys and friends, not about how fast I'm going to get sick, when it's going to happen again, and most importantly, how it is affecting everyone else.

I hate living my life constantly fearing the next time I will get sick, the next time my parents will have to miss work, the next time I get a medical bill, or the worst, the next time my lung function will drop. To live life in constant fear is not easy, and it's even harder when I'm trying the be that "strong person" I am. I know that if I didn't deal with this, I wouldn't be the person I am today. But at the same time, I just want it to stop so I never have to deal with it. I want to be able to celebrate New Years this year with my friends. I want to be able to go into my last second term ever feeling on top of the world. I want to be completely healthy and normal for once in my life.

I hate writing posts like this because I know I'm better than this, but at times I just feel as though I have to really write how I feel or it will scrape away at me forever until I let it out. Just imagine having to be the one to tell your doctor when you think you are sick enough. Now that I am growing up, the choices and options I have are truly slimming. Soon I will have a career, one that is absolutely dreadful for my health, but one I couldn't live without. How will I afford my drugs to stay healthy when they are so specific, there is no generic alternative? When will I draw the line and stop taking care of my patients to become one? How long will I be able to do what I love before my disease gets the best of me? I know I am an adult, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a kid trying to handle too many obstacles at once. This is one of those times.

But... I know that tomorrow, I will handle it and I will deal with it. It's never a good time to be sick and when you are sick a majority of the time, good times don't come as often as you'd like them to. This is just one of those days where I completely feel the unfairness of life, and it's just proving a bit harder to deal with. Let's just hope tomorrow brings better news and a better time.