Graduation.

So graduation is currently three days away. I'm absolutely thrilled to be done with school and to start making my own money. I've been finding it a bit irritating lately to read other people's journal entries on their graduations. The general pattern to all of the journals I have read is as follows: "I graduated. I'm not sure what to do. I have to worry about getting a job and getting a place to live and getting to the job I have. Oh what shall I do?"

Moving out into the real world is tough and I knew that from the beginning. It just makes me so nervous to read people's blogs and worry about some of their worries, but also my worries such as: "How will I live paying 20-40% of the cost of all my most expensive drugs? What if I can't work anymore down the road and I can't get back on disability? What happens if I am penalized because I wanted to actually try and WORK in society? Will I ever be able to move out? Is life insurance even an option for me? What if I get sick during my career? How will I keep up with my bills? And the big one: was this whole road even worth it in the end?"

Even with all of these worries, I know it will be alright. Things will fall into place. I will make it happen hopefully on my own. No one else is going to do my job for me and there is no way to lie to the system about who I am and what I have to deal with. So I am going to be forced to just do it. And I will because I am not someone who just gives up

Although most would try and justify my situation by saying, "Oh, Toni! You'll do fine! You'll get in there and love your job and you'll be healthy and they will find a cure for your disease and you can work for as long as you would like!" I know that won't happen anytime soon! So, being realistic, I made some choices for the new job I'm going into. A retirement plan? No way. Realistically a 401K would do me no good. By the time I could legally get to it, I probably wouldn't be so well off and to take it out early gives me a penalty. Why would I even want that? For some of my hard earned money to be taken away from me sounds ridiculous. Instead, I'll try and find an alternative to save my money. This of course would mean I would have to have money in the first place. Anywho.

Death benefits. Count me in! I'm not morbid. I'm realistic. Everyone dies and if you are gonna give me a decent chunk of change for it, why not. Life insurance. Count me in if I can be in. Problem with things like this is insurance companies often don't like people with pre-existing conditions. We go together like oil and water. "Oh, you have asthma? No way. We don't want you. And Diabetes too? Are you trying to kill us? And Cystic Fibrosis as well?!" They would run screaming from me. I mean after all, who wants to buy or put their money into a defective piece of property, and I mean that in the most realistic way possible. It's a legitimate question.

Finally, health insurance. I'm automatically in which is fantastic. It's a decent price every month and the coverage is great. The only thing not so great is prescription medications. Now we all know I take a couple of those. If I did not have insurance, I would be paying anywhere between $5,000 and $6,000 each month for my medications. Now those medications that cost the most will be covered the least by this insurance plan. So say I earned $200 each month and I was paying about $100 a month on my medications because of this "We'll only cover 20-40% of your expensive drugs" thing. You could imagine why I have more worries than the average Joe.

Ultimately, I am still very confused about everything that I have chosen to take and not take. I don't need to waste my money on things that realistically I will probably not be able to use in the future. But among all this, there is so much to be excited for.

1) I'm going to be a nurse.
2) I'm finally going to get healthy on June 8th in Philly.
3) I'm going to be the healthiest starting nurse there is.
4) I won't be on disability anymore so no one can say anything about me.
5) I still have over 60% of my lung function, if only everyone could be so lucky.
6) I'm graduating in only three days, and my dresses are awesome.
7) I'm going on a boat cruise tonight.
8) I get to see the majority of my family in three days.
9) I get to see Kenny Chesney before I go to Philly.
10) I get to see my cousin get married before I go to Philly.

And for the sake of everyone who has told me:
11) I still have all of my arms and legs.

I know sometimes I voice my concerns on here, but I just want everyone to know that I do it because some people just do not understand what I am going through. I figure if I can clue some people in, they may understand a little better. I don't do this to have people feel sorry for me, because what good would that do me? Maybe by doing this, I can get some suggestions about what I can possibly do to help me in the future. After all, I'm not the only sick person in this world, and there are some people out there who have it a million times worse than I do. I just want to have a worry-free, happy future, and I don't think that's too much to hope for.